2011 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Got pregnant. Stayed overnight in the hospital. Lost a baby.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Not really.  Everything kind of took a backseat to pregnancy and then grief.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister-in-law.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My baby boy.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. Stayed in the good old US of A this year.  We are planning a trip for early next year though.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

For my baby to still be alive.  And for peace.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 11th – the day of my IUI that stuck.

May 25th – the day I learned that I was kinda sorta pregnant.

September 12th – the day I learned I was having a boy.

September 27th – the day my baby died.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Living through a loss I never thought I could survive. For so long while we were trying, my husband would say I just hope once you get pregnant, nothing happens and you don’t miscarry because you wouldn’t be able to take it.  Something much worse happened and I took it.  I’m still alive.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Losing him.  I know it wasn’t my fault.  But my body failed him.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Preeclampsia.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Maternity clothes. For a while I thought I’d never wear those and for a little while I did.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Third year in a row: my husband’s.  He never left my side in the hospital. I could not have dealt with any of this without him.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

A friend that didn’t call while I was the hospital and then wondered why I wasn’t responding to the text she wrote me for my birthday.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage, bills, fertility treatments.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My pregnancy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Adele – Rolling in the Deep

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Sadder, same, same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Enjoying life instead of living in fear.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying. Stressing. Crying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas Eve with my family. Christmas Day at my sister-in-law’s.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Yes. All over again with my husband.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

My new favorite this year is Once Upon a Time.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

24. What was the best book you read?

Hmmm…. I can’t even remember what I read this year!  Bossypants by Tina Fey and Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling were both funny reads.  I know I read a lot when I was on disability but I don’t remember any of it.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Nothing sticks out this year.

26. What did you want and get?

I got pregnant.

27. What did you want and not get?

My baby.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I have no idea. I don’t even remember what came out this year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My yearly dinner at my favorite Mexican place.  33.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Does anyone want to guess my answer to this?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Comfort.

32. What kept you sane?

My husband.  My family. My friends. My husband. My dog.  My therapist.  My husband.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

No one new this year – same old faves. John Hamm, John Krasinski, Anderson Cooper, Ryan Gosling, etc etc etc

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Who can care about politics right now?

35. Who did you miss?

My baby.  God, this is repetitive.  And I hate that I keep just calling him my baby but I don’t want to share his name here.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I don’t know.  The nurses at the hospital.  The women at the support group.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I have an amazing group of people who love and care about me.  I am lucky to be so loved.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

So can you understand why I want a daughter while I’m still young?  I wanna hold her hand and show her some beauty before this damage is done.  But if it’s too much to ask, if it’s too much to ask, then send me a son. – Arcade Fire

Christmas

As of December 23rd at 10 am, nothing had been done.  Gifts were still unwrapped (and some were still being delivered that day). The tree was completely undecorated (aside from three random strands of light) and the house was naked of all Christmas decorations.  I hadn’t baked a thing.  My sister-in-law called at 10 and asked if I wanted McDonald’s.  I really wanted a sweet tea and an Egg McMuffin so I said yes if she was going out, I would love a delivery.  She dropped by with my food and asked if I wanted her to come in. I invited her in. We hung out for a while.  When the baby fell asleep on my chest, I told her she wasn’t going anywhere til he woke up because I was having a nice time snuggling with him.  She ended up leaving at around 8 or 9 pm.  My mother-in-law also came over and she brought us lunch.  And then volunteered to decorate my tree.  She and my sister-in-law did most of the tree decorating while I decorated the rest of the house and wrapped all my gifts.  I didn’t get any baking done.  But my house was decorated, my gifts were wrapped and I felt better about the holidays.  They did it all wrong of course and completely not how I would have decorated the tree myself.  But in the end, it looked as amazing as it always does and just like it would have looked as I had done it.  And every time they did something differently than I do, I said to myself, Anna, you be grateful that they are helping you. Don’t criticize.  Be happy that they are taking time to help you when they have their own things to do.  And I didn’t criticize and it looked amazing and I was so grateful for their help.  Plus I got all my gifts wrapped.

I tried to approach Christmas in this spirit overall.  I tried to be appreciative of all my gifts.  Even if they weren’t exactly what I wanted, I reminded myself that I’m 33 years old and not a child.  I know enough to appreciate the thought behind the gift even if it wasn’t exactly the right thing.  I tried to remain appreciative of the fact that were able to spend time with both our families even though things weren’t done the way I wanted them to be done at either place.  I just tried to go with the flow which is a difficult thing for me to do.

I’m happy Christmas is over.  And I wish I had this entire week off so that I could fast forward to the new year.  I know that it’s not like someone comes along and wipes a slate clean for you.  But I do feel like maybe the new year will provide me with a new start.

While my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were helping me, I was clearing off a place for some decorations.  I had too much in my hands and I was trying to work quickly and I broke my little angel statue.  My mother-in-law had bought it for me after we lost the baby.  It was his statue and I started to sob the minute I saw it heading for the floor.  It was his angel.  I should have been more careful.  Everyone has told me that I can’t be so hard on myself.  That it was just a simple accident and that it was a material thing.  On Christmas, my first gift that I opened was a new angel.   I know that January 1st won’t bring me relief from this kind of pain.  I know that February 1st is going to be hard horrible day for me.  But I feel that 2012 is still filled with the hope of better things to come.

 

Choosing

We cannot cure the world of sorrows but we can choose to live in joy. – Joseph Campbell

Some days I wonder if it’s possible to choose to live in joy.  There are days when life feels so overwhelming.  The memory of my baby boy. The monotony of wake up, go to work, eat, clean up, watch tv, go to sleep. Over and over.  It feels pointless.  Why bother choosing joy?  Will it really change anything?  Life is full of crappy situations.  People who do want babies but can’t. People that don’t want babies that do have them.  People who have babies that get sick.  People who have no money for Christmas for their family. People who have no money for food or a home.  The world is a shitty place.  Let’s be honest.  Life isn’t fair.  The universe doesn’t pass out gold stars.  You get what you get and not what you deserve.

And yet, people are happy anyway.  There are happy people out there.  People who go through the mall at Christmas time with a smile on their face not caring about the traffic or the crowds.  People who can’t have babies but manage to put on a happy face for a sister or a friend and get through that baby shower because they can’t imagine not being there.  People who have nothing and try to make the best of a situation and manage to stay happy and cheerful for their children.  People who are homeless who are grateful for the women running the soup kitchen so that they have a hot meal.

I’ve been noticing this so much.  Life hands everyone crap.  Some people are happy anyway.  They always say that you shouldn’t be jealous of anyone else because you don’t know what sadness they are coping with.  I used to think that was bull.  I still think it’s a bull in a way. Some people just have easier lives than others.  That’s just the nature of life.  But you don’t know what anyone is going through.  And just because they are happy now, doesn’t mean that they won’t have hard times ahead while you are living your easy times.  I’m trying to remember that.

One of my best friends called to chat.  After I talked to her about my problems and my issues, she said well I have something going on in my life as well.  It’s a bit unexpected.  And I felt sure she was pregnant.  And then she told me that her mother had cancer.  All that kept going around and around in my head in a loop was, “You selfish, selfish bitch.  The most loving and wonderful woman in the world has cancer and here you sit praying that your friend won’t tell you that she is pregnant.”  I would pay a million dollars right now to rewind time and have my friend tell me she is pregnant instead.  Not only does her mother have cancer but they held back on telling me because they didn’t want to burden me with it while I was grieving.  These people are so kind and so wonderful and so generous and I was wishing for her not to be pregnant.  What kind of person does that?

I logged onto Facebook a few weeks ago and saw that a college friend had posted.  I regularly stalk her page to make sure she is not pregnant before me.  She is one of the few people I know that hasn’t had a baby yet and I want to beat her out.  I’m a year older after all. I deserve it.  She was posting to say that her husband had passed away.  She was heartbroken. Her world shattered at the loss of her best friend on earth.  And again, the refrain went in my head.  “You selfish bitch, wondering if she’s pregnant or not.  Her husband is dead.  You lost a baby but she lost her best friend – her anchor.  And you were wishing that she be denied a child because you wanted to be first.”

My life is hard.  I feel like I have more problems than most people.  But I have my husband. I have my health. I have my parents and my in-laws.  I have a home. I have pets.  I have the means to adopt a baby.  I am lucky.  My life is hard. But so is everyone else’s.  If their life isn’t hard now, it doesn’t it mean it wasn’t hard before or it won’t be hard later.

So, I want to make an effort.  I want to choose to live in joy.  I want to make the best of what I have.  I want to choose to be happy for others instead of resenting them for what they have.  Life sucks.  It’s hard for everybody.  But not everybody lets it drown them in sorrow.

101 in 1001 Update

I have actually tackled some items on my list! I know.  I bet you couldn’t believe I would start tackling things so soon!  If you don’t believe it, you’re right.  I didn’t start it.  My husband came home one day with an EZ Pass for me.  Well one for both of us.  He set it up. He brought it into my car and put it in for me. I literally did nothing.  Except cross off number 34 from my list.  Easiest task ever.  He didn’t even know I was planning on doing it – he just did it for me.  Now the problem will be remembering that I have it and not driving through the ticket lanes at tolls.  We went to visit my family this weekend and I kept wondering why my husband was driving through the EZ Pass lanes.  Glad he remembered.

Being up at my family’s house was also my last hurrah.  Tomorrow the diet begins.  So making strides to cross number 6 (lose 25 pounds) off my list.  My brother, husband and some friends are all in a competition to see who can lose the most weight (percentage-wise to make it fair).  We’re all putting $50 in the pot and winner takes all.  Even if I don’t win, hopefully I win by being able to cross number 6 off the list.  And by looking and feeling better, not to mention living longer.  However, in celebration of our last hurrah and my brother’s birthday, I made him a cake (number 41) and frosted it with swiss meringue buttercream (number 89) which was pretty much the most incredible frosting ever. It wasn’t overly sweet, it was very buttery and it was perfect.  I even decorated the cake all fancy with a different colored frosting piped around and wrote on the cake.  Well worth our last hurrah!

Now that we don’t have any cake left, hopefully I can drop some pounds relatively soon because I may have a chance at crossing number 9 (find a new job) off my list.  I may need my interview suit soon!  I found a job I really wanted to take back in July. But being pregnant and all, I didn’t want to take it because it was a contract so I thought it would be unfair to take a contract knowing I wouldn’t be able to fulfill all the terms of the contract.  I mentioned this to the recruiter and he agreed.  Back in early November, I saw a similar posting through a different recruiter so I figured why the heck not?  I applied for the position and last week I heard back from the recruiter. It’s literally the same job and she says I sound like a good fit (even though it would be somewhat of a career change).  It’s a 1-2 year contract and even if it doesn’t turn permanent it would give me experience in a new field which I’ve been looking for.  Plus it pays a good amount more than my current job! So that helps with the fact that it’s a contract and I wouldn’t get any paid vacation time. I’m waiting to hear back if the company would like me to come in for an interview.  I’m afraid my hopes are up too high but I can’t help it.  It seems like fate that this job would come back into my life.  Please keep fingers and toes crossed and send up a prayer that this could be the opportunity I’ve been looking for! I’m so miserable in my current job.

Speaking of being miserable, I plan on heading back to the infertility support group (number 50) tomorrow.  I’m kind of excited to go this time.  Now that I know what to expect and that I know that the people there are friendly and normal, I feel better about going. I won’t be nervous at all if my husband won’t be able to come.  I know I’ll be able to handle there being on my own if necessary because it was a safe place to go and talk and vent with people who know what this life is like.

Here’s a quick recap of the items that I’m supposed to be doing on a regular basis:

12. Go to church on a regular basis. – Nope. But I do plan to start next week.

28. Practice my dog’s training for 15 minutes every day. – Nope.  I’ve been crashing on the couch every day when I get home!

41. Bake one thing each month. – DONE for December.  Made my brother a birthday cake.

70. Clean for 15 minutes every day. – No way.  See above re: crashing on couch.

80. Walk the dog every day it rain. – Nope. Couch.

82. Start taking my vitamins again. – Kind of forgot about this one. Will start tonight.

100.Update about my status for these goals at least once a week. – DONE, right here.  Hope these updates aren’t too boring for you all but I want to hold myself accountable.

Status Quo

There’s a part in The Hunger Games, where the main character is having trouble distinguishing between what is real and what isn’t and the doctor tells her to start by listing the simplest things she knows are true and building to the more complicated.  I find myself doing this a lot lately. Not quite on purpose.  The thoughts just start because sometimes I think to myself that I’m pregnant.

And that’s when the listing begins.

No, I’m not pregnant.  I was pregnant. For twenty-two weeks.  I am not pregnant anymore. February 1st with come and go and I will not have a baby. I will most likely never be pregnant again.

Why is that?

I spent 33 years of my life NOT being pregnant.  I have been pregnant for 22 weeks of my life.  Not even.  21 weeks, 6 days.  So I’ve been not pregnant for 32 years and 30 weeks of my life.  Not being pregnant is status quo.

So why is it so confusing to me that I’m not pregnant if I’ve spent a majority of my life not being pregnant ?

My Brand New 101 in 1001 List!

Ugh, I have accidentally posted this draft like 14 times and it’s taken me forever to post this new list. I’m so glad it’s done!

Even though my last list wasn’t a smashing success, I guess it’s always good to have little mini-goals to strive for.  Maybe this year I’ll be better about completing my list  and maybe it will give me some incentive to be more active and busy to keep my mind off my sadness.  So here goes nothing!

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past – frequently simple goals such as new year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Some common goal setting tips: 1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it. 2. Stay Focussed. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress. 3. Welcome Failure. It presents the opportunity to learn and makes success more worthy. 4. Write down your goals. 5. Keep your goals in sight

1. Make a pie from scratch.  Crust and all.
2. Donate our old furniture to charity.
3. Clean out our “junk” room.”
4. Clean out our basement.
5. Clean out our garage.
6. Lose 25 lbs.
7. Go apple picking.
8. Finish our covered bridge tour.
9. Find a new job.
10. Spend a day wandering around an art museum like I used to do in high school/college.
11. Go to the dentist.
12. Go to church on a regular basis.
13. Volunteer.
14. Go to the dermatologist.
15. Find a therapist I can start seeing regularly.
16. Have a horrible movies that we love anyway marathon with my brother.
17. Invite friends to stay with us.
18. Buy a fireproof box for important papers.
19. Hire a cleaning service.
20. Accept help next time I host a party in my home.
21. Have a sleepover with my best friend.
22. Decorate the outside of our house for Christmas.
23. Go to DC to see the cherry blossoms.
24. Join a book club, even if I have to start it myself.
25. Don’t complain about anything for one week.
26. Don’t use the snooze button for one week.
27. Make my husband a nice romantic, candlelit dinner.
28. Practice my dog’s training for 15 minutes every day.
29. Go one month without fast food.
30. See a movie at the Movie Tavern.
31. Write thank you cards for all gifts received.
32. Decide on a memorial for the baby.
33. Send a friend a surprise in the mail, just because.
34. Get EZPass back in my car.
35. Do Couch to 5K.
36. Then run a real 5K.
37. One day each month, pamper myself. (mani/pedi, massage, etc)
38. Find a necklace to buy to remember the baby.
39. Go to a reading/book signing.
40. Clean out my closet and donate the clothes to charity.
41. Bake one thing each month.
42. Finish watching Battlestar Galactica on DVD.
43. Buy something on Etsy.
44. Make something I found on Pinterest.
45. Throw a party!
46. Buy something fabulous at Anthropologie (after I’ve lost the weight).
47. Leave a $20 tip on a bill that is less than $20.
48. Go to a taping of Anderson. (Also, try not to go nuts when you see him.)
49. Don’t buy anything that isn’t a necessity for one month.
50. Go to support group meetings regularly (infertility, pregnancy loss and adoption as needed).
51. Repair broken jewelry.
52. Adopt a family next holiday.
53. Go to a piano bar.
54. Hang pictures in our house.
55. Buy a Roman shade for the back door so I don’t think that monsters and serial killers are standing outside it.
56. Say yes to something that would normal scare me or make me anxious.
57. Choose an adoption agency and get “paper pregnant.”
58. Have a sleepover with my friends from high school.
59. Buy a new car.
60. Take a vacation.
61. Don’t log into Facebook for one week.
62. Try five new restaurants.
63. Make a new friend.
64. Reconnect with an old friend.
65. Make sugar cookies with royal frosting.
66. Organize our kitchen cabinets.
67. Buy new wine glasses.
68. Finish the basement.
69. Take a road trip with A.
70. Clean for 15 minutes every day.
71. Use my breadmaker and ice cream maker at least once during the 1001 days.
72. Take a yoga class.
73. Spend a day at the beach with A.
74. Crochet a blanket.
75. Get my eyes checked and get contacts again – I’m sick of my glasses.
76. Take a short class in something (cake decorating, pottery, etc).
77. Clean out my pantry.
78. Try 10 new recipes.
79. Whiten my teeth again.
80. Walk the dog every day that it doesn’t rain.
81. Rearrange the furniture in our family room.
82. Start taking my vitamins again.
83. Read five non-fiction books.  (Fiction is easy for me but sometimes not the best for my brain.)
84. Transfer all my recipes to my recipe box.
85. Call the number to opt out of credit card offers.
86. Request a credit report.
87. Use the gift cards I’ve been putting off using in my wallet.
88. Send birthday cards ON TIME for people’s birthdays.
89. Make swiss meringue buttercream.
90. Paint our half bathroom.
91. Get wedding ring dipped, the white gold isn’t looking as good as it once did.
92. Catch up on my scrapbooks or make photobooks. (I think I’m behind since like 2007!)
93. Reach out to people when I learn they are dealing with infertility.
94. Repair front step.
95. Replace/repair lighting in our kitchen.
96. Replace our carpets.
97. Repaint our front door (as our association has been begging us to do).
98. Figure out what is wrong with our magnolia tree and get it blooming again.
99. Give $2 to charity for every task I don’t complete.
100. Update about my status for these goals at least once a week.
101. Make a new list for the next 1001 days.

Start date: December 5, 2011 End date: September 2,2015