Two weeks. In two weeks, it will be my due date. I’m in a two week wait. Maybe when I hit his due date, I will have some closure. Maybe then I can stop counting in my head. Maybe then I’ll feel better about the fact that my belly stopped growing and that my baby is gone. Can you ever feel better about that? He’s gone. There’s nothing to change it. I know that time heals. But this will always be a horrible, sad thing. There will never come a time that I will be happy about this. It will always be sad and I will always miss him.
How do you come to terms with that?
How do I stop hurting?
I know that February 2nd won’t change a thing. It won’t be the day I stop counting down. It will probably be the day I start counting up. He should be one day old, one week, one month. Will I ever stop counting? Will I always remember how old he should be? It feels wrong if I don’t. But if it feels like I’m not healing if I do.
I see and hear his name more and more now. Is that a sign? Or is it just because I’m more cognizant of his name now? It’s not exactly common. I feel guilty because I still haven’t bought a necklace like I wanted to. Nothing seems right and if I do find something that I like, my husband doesn’t like it. I know it’s my necklace but I feel like we should agree upon it. He was our baby.
It’s the year of the dragon this year. That was a nickname we had for him. When I first heard that, I thought it was lucky. I thought he was bringing us luck for this year and maybe that would mean good things for adoption. But then I realize that he should have been born in the year of the dragon. Why couldn’t he bring luck to himself? I’ve been seeing dragons everywhere, too, by the way.
This isn’t coherent, I know. I’m not coherent right now. I miss him so much it breaks my heart. I miss him and the time I didn’t have and never will have with him. I never got to hold him. That’s all I keep thinking. He was mine. And I never held him. I barely even felt him move. Just a few flutters here and there. I never got any time with him at all. Just 22 weeks. That wasn’t enough time.
So now I wait. I wait two weeks and see. Will his due date change anything?
