God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because he knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood. -Beth Moore
How can I believe something like this? How can I believe any of this is “part of God’s plan” or “God’s will” or “is happening for a reason.” What reason? Why would God give me a baby – the one thing I’ve been praying so hard for – and then take him from me? How can anything in the future be more glorious than the baby I was carrying? And if there is another baby in my future, why couldn’t I have had both. Why take the life of my little boy? Why take him before he ever even had a life to live?
What lesson is God trying to teach me? I have already learned what seems like infinite patience. I waited four years to conceive. Four very long years. My pregnancy was difficult. I had morning sickness. I had anxiety. I had back aches. I got into a car accident. We thought our baby had Down’s. I bled. I had a horribly slow start with terrifyingly low hormone levels. I was grateful for every last second of it. I would have gone the other 18 weeks. I would have gone 20 weeks more. I would have been grateful for every second that baby was inside of me and growing and being healthy. I was miserable at times. But so grateful. I would puke and thank God that it meant he was safe. I sobbed because my back ached so badly (now I realize this was likely a symptom that something was horribly wrong – my preeclampsia was diagnosed a day later and I swelled up like a balloon two days late) but I kept thinking, I can do this for him. I know patience. I know suffering for something I love. What other lesson did I have to learn from his loss?
I often think that I’m being punished. And I remind myself that God wouldn’t kill a human being he created to punish another human being. Right? God couldn’t do that, right?
