Four weeks

He would be four weeks old today, if he had been born on his due date.  Four weeks.  I would have been a mom for four weeks right now.  Would I feel frazzled? Would I feel frustrated? Would I feel content?  Would I be breast-feeding? Would he be eating from a bottle?  What would the dog and cat think of him? Would they be jealous or would they be curious? Would they want to protect him? What would I feel?  How would I feel to be a mom?

The whole world is in a conspiracy to not let me forget.  I get free samples of formula.  I get postcards advertising newborn photo sessions.  I get formula coupons.  I still get the Parenting magazine I signed up for when I bought my first maternity clothes at Motherhood.  People are forever asking me if I have kids.  How do you answer that? Yes, I do, he’s dead – he didn’t make it past 22 weeks.  No, he didn’t live for 22 weeks. I carried him for 22 weeks.  He was never even born.  No one wants to hear that.  It feels wrong to say no, though. It makes me feel so guilty and disrespectful when I say I don’t have kids.

Four weeks old.  He will never be four weeks old.  He will never even be four minutes old. Four seconds.  He will never be.  But he WAS. How do I reconcile that?

February has been a hard month.  Maybe March will bring some peace.

 

Stopping the world

I was set to make a blog comeback.  To start writing again.  But I’m still so saddened by what happened to Mo that I just can’t.

When I lost my baby boy and I was in the hospital, I felt like the world had stopped.  And then I left and logged onto Facebook and email and blogs and realized that the world hadn’t stopped.  It kept right on turning even though I felt like it had stopped.  I didn’t understand.  How could everyone else go on when I was in so much pain?

So I’m stopping my world, or at least my blog world.  So that Mo can have someone stopped with her for company.  It’s not much but maybe it will bring her some comfort to know that I’m there with her.

My heart is breaking

I was going to post today.  I was going to post that I’m feeling a little less bitter and a little less angry with the universe.  I’m glad I didn’t because the universe doesn’t deserve it.  I’m more angry, more bitter and the universe can suck it.

Mo who has gone through so much to get pregnant with her baby boy is losing him at 22 weeks.  How unfair.  How staggeringly unfair.  I can’t even describe how I felt when I read this.  I had to pause to catch my breath because I was so saddened for Mo.

Please stop by and lend your love and support if you haven’t already.

Today

My dear sweet little boy,

You were supposed to be here today.  Or somewhere around today.  Instead we were forced to say goodbye to you 18 weeks ago.  I miss you everyday.  I was afraid people wouldn’t remember you.  People did.  They sent cards.  They wrote emails.  They checked in on Facebook. They planted trees for you.  They planted plants for you.  And I remembered you.  I remember you every day.  You’re my first thought when I wake up and you’re my last thought when I go to bed.  I know you’re happier in heaven than we could have ever made you on earth, but I wish we had the chance to meet you,  the chance to watch you grow up and to know the baby, the boy and the man you would have grown into.  I know you would have made us proud to be your parents.  I hope you’ll be proud of us as you look down on us from heaven.

With lots of love,

Your mom

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Thank you all for all your love and support today and every day.  I wouldn’t have been able to make it through any of this without you.