I’m fighting so hard for this that I’m forgetting it’s going to be hard.
Our home visit is scheduled for the beginning of February. Once that is completed (assuming it goes well), our homestudy will be approved and we will attend the agency’s profile meeting. The profile meeting goes through the agency’s requirements for our profile book and offers advice and pointers. Finally, we will film a short video for birth parents to view. Did I mention that all that is happening in the span of one week? It’s also a week that I’m traveling for work. It’s going to be a doozy.
I just keep thinking to myself that all this is hard. It has been a lot of work. Trying to conceive and failing is frustrating. Learning our diagnosis and doing research into how we would build our family was difficult. Fertility treatments were exhausting and stressful. Losing our baby was terrifying and life-changingly awful. Deciding on adoption and letting go of the idea of a biological child was a struggle. Researching adoption, deciding on a type of adoption, researching and interviewing agencies was time-consuming. Biting the bullet and filling out the application was scary and exciting. Putting together the paperwork for our homestudy was tedious and felt like a tremendous invasion of privacy.
All of this has been hard. Hard is an understatement. It’s been so hard to get to this point and we don’t even have a baby.
And so I forget.
I forget it’s going to be hard to bring a baby home. We have been married for nine years and we’ve been together for twelve. That’s twelve years of being a couple. Just the two of us. That’s twelve years of living on our own, sleeping in on weekends, leaving the house whenever we wanted, staying out as long as we wanted, not making plans in advance, spending our money on frivolous things and not caring if there is food in the fridge because we can always go out.
We are going to have to adjust to not being a twosome. We are going to have to wake up in the middle of the night. Our lives will no longer be as carefree. We will no longer have as much free time. The list of how our lives will change is endless. It is going to be hard. I forget that just because we had a tough journey to get here, it doesn’t mean that the baby will be easy once we have one.
That terrifies me. What if I can’t handle it? I’m 34. I will be 35 this year. It’s so late in my life to make a change this big. It’s going to be hard. Please tell me I can do it.