It’s a….

… BOY!

It was a huge shock to me. I was so sure it was a girl.  But there were boy parts in there, even though he hid them from us for the entire ultrasound.  Finally at the end of the ultrasound, he moved so his umbilical cord wasn’t in the way and showed us the goods.  I can’t believe it but I’m really excited.  I had pictured a girl for so long but now that I think about having a boy, I just can’t see it any other way. 

They did find some other soft markers of Down’s but nothing that is definitive.  Our chances are now 5-8% that the baby has Down’s.  I cried when I heard.  Obviously, this isn’t worst case scenario.  There is still close to a 90% chance that the baby is healthy.  They didn’t find anything wrong with the baby’s heart which was my biggest fear.  The doctor still wants us to come back for a fetal echocardiogram to double-check the heart.  And there was fluid around the kidneys so I need to go back for ultrasounds every four weeks. 

Scary stuff in a way.  But hoping for the best and getting ready for my little boy.

I guess I disappeared for a little while

Oops, has it really been a month?  My brain is not functional enough to string together a cohesive post.  So bullets, anyone?

• We’re finding out the gender on Monday. Most people think it’s a girl.  I think it’s a girl (or is it that I’m wishing for a girl and so therefore I think it’s one?) but I guess we’ll know for sure in a few days.
• We’re doing this ultrasound at the perinatologist’s.  The genetic counselor recommended a level 2 at the fetal diagnostic center especially in light of the fact that we are very strongly (99.9%) leaning against doing amnio.  I don’t want to risk my pregnancy.  Especially as it’s been 4 years in the making.  And we plan on having and loving this baby no matter what so all it would do is help us feel a little more prepared.
• I’m terrified of the level 2.  I’m happy to find out the gender but I’m terrified they will see soft markers for Down’s and that will increase the risk that the baby has Down’s.  While I say above that we are having and loving this baby no matter what, I obviously don’t wish for our baby to have any problems.  I just feel like this world is hard enough.  I want my baby to have the best possible start and a slew of health problems is not involved there.  I just pray pray pray that this baby is healthy. 
• Ever since we found out about this, I feel like everyone on earth uses the “r” word.  Has this always been the case and I just haven’t care enough to notice?  Like everyone.  Professionals in the work place who are in higher level positions, my younger coworkers, people I overhear.  I am on my own personal crusade to abolish it right now.  My sister-in-law made a joke about Down’s today (she doesn’t know about this risk for us, she is pregnant and we didn’t want her to worry) and I shut her right down and told her not to joke. She agreed it was wrong.
• I lied above. She isn’t pregnant anymore.  I’m an aunt today.  She had the baby earlier today.  All is well, he is healthy, she is doing well.  We visited today and plan on going back tomorrow. I need more snuggle time with the little guy.
• I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m insanely jealous that her baby is here first.  I know it’s not a race or a competition. But I should have had the first grandchild.  I’ve been married for 8 freaking years.  I love him to death. I just wish he was born after mine.  Or that mine was here already.  Will this feeling every go away?  It makes me feel like such a horrible person and I feel like I can’t really talk about it to anyone because they will think I’m awful.  It just drives me crazy to hear people telling me that I’ll be next.  I know they mean well but I shouldn’t be next.  I should have been first.
• Oh yeah, we’ve been married 8 years now.  Most anticlimactic anniversary ever.  We went out to dinner but it was totally an afterthought.  Like yeah I guess we should do this.  He did send me flowers at work though.  They are gorgeous.  I bought him a little card and treat but I was just too tired to do any shopping.
• I’m tired. So tired.  Where is this energy kick I was supposed to get?  After coming home from work, I just want to pass out on the couch and watch tv.  I have no energy at all.  Some days I wonder how I’m going to get through the work day… for many reasons.
• I cry like all the time now. I cried on the way home from the hospital out of horrible jealousy that she had the baby first.  I cry at work when someone makes a snappy comment. I cry at work when I want to be home (because I hate it there). I am constantly running to the bathroom at work to cry.  I cry at commercials. I cry at tv shows. I cry when the dog does something sweet.  I cry when I’m angry, sad, happy, laughing.  It’s all waterworks all the time.
• Which is why it’s so surprising to me that my ankles and hands are so freaking swollen all the time.  How am I retaining water when it’s all coming out of my eyes?  By the end of the week, my ankles are balloons.  After a weekend of resting and being off my feet they are back to normal and by Friday they are elephant ankles. 
• I’m ending this list of complaints.  There are all these little things that are bad but overall I’m happy.  My belly is growing and that is freaking surreal. I’m almost embarrassed by it.  Like, I don’t want people to comment on it because I feel like it would be jinxing this miracle that is happening.  I still don’t believe it’s real half the time.  After so many years of failure, I can’t believe it’s happening.  Sometimes I ask A if this is real because I worry that I might have hallucinated this all in my head. 
• I’m halfway through this pregnancy almost.  Halfway.  I never thought this day would come.  But I’m so happy it’s here.  When I think about, it makes me want to cry.  Of course.

No one told me it would be so glamorous!

Before I begin this post, let me say that I’m so grateful for every little symptom that reminds me that I’m pregnant and that confirms that my baby is still in there.  Every time I throw up, I cry, because I hate throwing up more than anything.  But then I say a little prayer thanking God that the baby must still be in there if I’m still puking, right?

But no one told me about the little things that come with pregnancy symptoms that you didn’t really expect.  I mean, I wasn’t expecting a picnic but I wasn’t expecting such embarrassment.  At least not so early on.  I thought that would come later with the farting without any notice and the pooping while pushing. 

But there’s been embarrassment already.  Like the fact that the water in the toilets of the bathrooms at work is unusually high.  So when you puke, toilet water splashes up in your face.  Work toilet water.  Toilet water that other people who are not your family and friends (which still ew… but coworker toilet water is way grosser) pee and poop in splashes up in your face.  So you don’t wear makeup so that you can freely scrub your face with hand soap and water after you puke at work.  Also, no one ever told me I would ever shove my boss out of the way while running out of a site wide meeting to puke.  So classy and certainly the way to work your way up the career ladder, right?

Also, no one ever told me that I would puke so hard that I would pee my pants.  And before you say, surely this is a rare occurrence, don’t make so much of it.  It’s happened like four times. Four times. I have peed my pants while puking up my guts.  My husband is a freaking saint and throws the laundry in with just a minimal amount of mocking.  But still?  I’m peeing my pants on a semi-regular basis.  Again… classy.

And the Bella band… so beautiful in theory.  In execution? Well, it’s like when you wear control top pantyhose and they slip or roll and just don’t stay in place like you like.  So sometimes you lean over to pick something up and you stand up and the Bella Band has slipped up so your unbuttoned pants start to fall right off your butt and you pray no one has walked behind you and isn’t see your butt.  So classy.

No one ever told me it would be so glamorous.

The word is out

First things first, I’m feeling a lot better about our sequential screen results.  I know now that I can’t change anything now.  Whatever will be, will be. We’ll meet with the genetic counselor and see what they have to say.   Hopefully, everything will be fine. But regardless of the outcome, this is our baby and we can’t wait to meet him or her.

 So, the word is out.  It’s official.  Once it’s on Facebook, the world knows.  I ended up not using the status I had posted last time.  Apparently, even though he’s not very active on Facebook, my husband had some definite opinions on what I was going to post.  He didn’t want to focus on the struggle. He wanted the focus to be on the happy news. So I ended up posting:  Blank and I are thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first child.  We feel incredibly blessed and are grateful for the love and support from our family and friends while we waited for this day.  It focused on the happy part of it yet acknowledged that this was a long time coming. 

We got only happy and congratulatory comments.   No one said anything about it taking forever.  And there were a few comments that implied that they understood how long our wait was and were happy we finally were there.  And those were from people who were unaware of our issues. 

So it really went better than I thought it would and everyone was very happy for us.  So now, I’m out.  It’s real. I’m pregnant and people know.  The fact that I can’t button my jeans anymore makes it even more real.  The Bella Band is helping but it’s kind of annoying because every time I stand up, I have to readjust it.  But I don’t think I’m quite there for maternity clothes yet.  I mean, it’s really not like I’m showing at all.  Well, I am.  But it’s so little.  It’s just that I’m already overweight so I just look a little fatter than I normally am.  And my nausea is starting to improve and I’m starting to have more of an appetite.  So things are going pretty well.  I’m trying to appreciate that and remind myself to count my blessings.

Screening

This was supposed to be a post all about the Facebook announcement and how that all went. But instead, it’s a post about how the results came back from the sequential screen giving our baby a 1:34 chance of Down’s Syndrome.  My husband says it’s 3% and not to stress.  But I’m stressing.  We need to make an appointment with a genetic counselor to talk about what the results mean and what the next steps are.  Will there be any part of having a baby that comes easy for me?  Because I haven’t even posted about my fender bender and my trip to the ER yet.

The Facebook Dilemma

We’re coming up on 12 weeks now which is when we agreed we would start telling people.  I know, the books say 13 or 14 weeks is officially the beginning of the second trimester.  But we made this decision before we read that.   And we’re both kind of anxious about starting to tell people.  So we’re sticking with 12 weeks.  It seems like a nice normal thing to do.   Like we are a normal fertile couple.  Ha!

Which leads to me to the great debate.  What to do about Facebook?  We plan on giving our parents some time to tell the families so they can get their bragging in.  And of course, we would tell those that we want to tell personally during this time as well.  We’ve already told some friends but there are others that we were waiting to tell until it felt a little safer. 

Even though sometimes it’s nice to pretend we’re normal – like when we made the 12 weeks decision – we’re not normal.  And so the Facebook thing is a sticky situation.  One that my husband probably doesn’t care about since he’s not into Facebook.  But it’s one I’m grappling with.  I know that the majority of the reaction will be generic congrats.  But I’m worried about two reactions.  One will be one that I will never know about.  But it kills me knowing it’s out there.  It’s the reaction of heartache by someone who is going through infertility struggles and will be devastated to hear of another baby in this world that isn’t theirs.  And the second one will kill me less but will annoy me more.  Well meaning family members or friends who don’t know about our issues who will post things like “Finally” or “We had all but given up on you” or “Well it’s been 8 years, hasn’t it?”

So there are the cons.  But there are some reasons I do want to post it on Facebook.  One is that everyone kind of expects it.  And as an infertile, I’m always kind of thrown off when someone posts a pic of themselves eight months pregnant with no announcement ever.   Or you have to piece it together like a puzzle when their friends start throwing Congrats up on their wall but there’s no reason for it.  WTF?  Were you going to tell anyone?  That kind of hurts just as much as the announcement sometimes.  Also, I’m getting excited.  I’m starting to feel like this is really happening.  And I’m starting to be ready to celebrate.  I want people to know.  I want to be happy about it.  And making a big announcement just like Fertile Myrtle would make it feel more normal. 

So I was thinking of writing a post that acknowledges what we had been through.  To let the infertiles know that I’m with them and I know their pain.  And to let my family know that a “what took you so long” will not be appreciated.  But I’m nervous about that.  As excited as I am to share the news of my pregnancy, not everyone knows what we went through to get here.  And that’s more personal than the pregnancy I think.  The pregnancy is personal but it’s happy.  The infertility is not.  It’s still an open wound.  And I don’t need anyone to say anything snotty about that either.  And I realize I’m 32 years old and shouldn’t care but I don’t want to get attitude from my mother about making an announcement like that.  “You know you shouldn’t tell people things like that. It’s very personal.”  I know it’s my life, but my mom’s criticisms can still pack a punch.

So I was thinking of something like this. If I’m brave enough to do it.

After many years of heartbreak and struggle, I’m happy to announce that we are expecting our first child in February.

Addresses the infertility (without going into any detail that might offend mom) and then announces the news.  And no one needs to comment to tell me what a people pleaser I am.  I know.  I so so so know.

Graduation

Today was our last appointment with our RE.  Wow.  It was bittersweet.  I’m glad we’re at the point that we can go to our regular OB.  But I don’t want to leave our RE.  They got us here.  Can’t we stay with them forever? They told us to stop by sometime so they can see how I’m doing but I don’t think I could ever do that.  If I had been there for an appointment and a pregnant woman with a big belly walked in, I would have died.  I would have probably burst into tears right then and there.  I’ll call and update and send a birth announcement if we get that far but I can’t imagine visiting while visibly pregnant. 

All looked good on the ultrasound.  Baby is measuring on schedule and moving around like crazy.  Good strong heartbeat.  All is going well and I’m trying to focus on that now.  I have my first appointment at the OB tomorrow with a nurse for a prenatal care appointment.  And today I got a prescription for Zofran because my nausea has been getting worse and worse.  I had to leave work early today because I couldn’t hold it in.  Hopefully it helps although I”m a little nervous about taking it.

This is the world’s most matter of fact update.  I’m feeling so sick I feel like I’m just spitting out facts.  But I wanted to update to get my last depressing post off the top. Off to nap and hope that the meds kick in soon.

And now I’m terrified

We had our second ultrasound today. I’m 7 weeks 5 days.  And there was a little baby in there. With little arm buds and leg buds and he wiggled his butt and the heart rate was 163 and everything was measuring on schedule and it all looked great.  And we got pictures and heard the heartbeat a bunch of times and I totally cried.

And then it hit me. I’m pregnant.  Really pregnant.  Yes, there is still the chance that something could go wrong, but for right now, I’m pregnant. 

I’m going to be someone’s mom.  I’m going to be responsible for an itty bitty human life all the way up to the time where they are not so itty bitty anymore.  And that’s scary.  I never imagined that I would feel so much responsibility.  I feel like I have to change everything in my entire life so that I can deserve to have such a responsibility. 

I’m excited though.  Still nervous.  I’m still worried that something can go wrong.  But I’m starting to get excited.  I’m starting to feel like this is happening and that maybe I can start making plans.  Not huge life changing plans like decorating the nursery today.  But I can start thinking about stuff like that without feeling like I’m a fraud.

Heartbeat

There’s a baby in there! 

And the baby has a heartbeat.  114 beats per minute.

Oh. My. God. 

I think I’m pregnant.