3151

Not quite doubling in 48 hours.  According to the calculator, it’s doubling every 59 hours so that’s still within range.  But I wish it was a true doubling.  It would make me feel better.

Symptom-wise, I think I’m starting to feel some.  Since the beginning, my acne has been bad (never had it before going on injectables), I’ve been burping up a storm (is that even a symptom of anything??) and I’ve been getting sleepier and sleepier by the day.  But today, my boobs are starting to get sore.   And the tiredness is getting worse.  And I keep getting these weird headaches that last for like 30 seconds that I used to get when I was on Clomid.  I feel like these things must be symptoms, right?  I’m not making this up, am I?

I don’t know.  I just don’t know whether I can believe this is really happening.

Edited to add: Ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon.

1774

1774!  I had bloodwork drawn today and will get that back tomorrow but they are ready to schedule an ultrasound!  They gave me three options this week (Wednesday, Thursday or Friday).  I really want to go ASAP but all the appointment times are smack in the middle of the day and so I have to figure out what will work best for both our work schedules. 

I’m unbelievably nervous about all this.  Worst case scenarios are running through my head.

Is it weird that I’m still tagging these posts as TTC? I don’t think I’ll be ready to accept that I am pregnant until I hear a heartbeat.

584

Beta was 584 and progesterone was up to 9.2.  They want me to come back in on Saturday and Monday for bloodwork.  They didn’t seem overly concerned with the bleeding.  I guess we’ll know more on Monday.

Trying to stay positive but it’s really scary.

Bleeding

I started bleeding today.  It wasn’t a lot. But it was a decent amount. And I was cramping like I had my period. 

Nothing to do but wait for results tomorrow.

250!

250!  Two hundred and fifty! 

I can’t believe it.  But it’s 250 today. 

I’m excited but still very scared and very worried.  This is a huge jump.  But I know how quickly it could be taken away.  So I’m trying to remain hopeful but realistic.

More bloodwork tomorrow with results on Friday.

Sixty

Who knew that all it would take to get me posting on this blog more often would be the world’s slowest rising hCG levels?

So Saturday’s result was a 60.  And today my progesterone was up to a 7.3 but I won’t get my hCG results from today til tomorrow afternoon. 

The nurse said 60 was ok.  Not doubling every 48 hours but still in the doubling every 72 hour range.  She said she didn’t want to get my hopes up – all we can do is wait.  I asked her if she ever saw levels like this end up with a viable pregnancy and she said yes.  It’s not common but it’s happened. 

So now we wait.  Again.  I took a home test today.  I swear you wouldn’t know I was a scientist for a living.  I’m the worst home scientist ever.  I took four tests over four days.  They were three different brands and four different time-of-day pees.  Worst science ever.  There is no way to even try to compare these tests.  Oh well.  I guess I’ll know tomorrow afternoon?

Back and forth between hope and hopelessness

I have peed on three sticks.  One for each day of the weekend.  Since I won’t get my results from Saturday til Tuesday afternoon, I need to do something to convince myself that I might still have a chance.  And there’s still a line there.  It’s not really getting lighter or darker. It’s pretty much the same.  I’m not sure what to think about that.  I know that you can’t use the sticks very quantitatively.  But I would feel better if the line was getting darker. 

Some moments I feel hope.  I feel like this could be it and other people have had low numbers and gone on to have healthy pregnancies.  And then in the next moment, I feel hopeless. It’s probably a blighted ovum. And why get myself hopeful and attached when I’m just going to lose it.

I’m not sure how to feel.  I want to have hope.  I want to have faith that this is going to lead to a baby.  Because just in case it really is a baby and not a blighted ovum, I want to give it the best, most optimistic chance possible.  But on the other hand, I don’t want to make myself suffer by being optimistic, if there is nothing to be optimistic about. 

I just wish that it wasn’t Memorial Day weekend because I’d have the results right now if it wasn’t.  And this whole waiting til the next for HCG results is bull.  Seriously, insurance? It’s the only result that anyone gives a damn about and that’s the one that you make me wait on?  By the time I started my progesterone supplements, my progesterone was already low for at least 48 hours and probably a lot more.  How is that fair for the insurance company to do?

I told my mother what was going on and what a mistake that was.  She told me not to get my hopes up and that we should think about when it’s time to stop trying and move on to the other things.  Seriously, mom? This is the first hopeful news we’ve gotten and  you’re telling me now that I should adopt?  After my first positive test ever?  I know she’s just trying to protect me from getting hurt, but it was the way she phrased it.

We haven’t told A’s family yet.  We had an opportunity to yesterday but he didn’t want to bring it up and  neither did I.  I don’t want them to fuss about it and to research it and to tell me what they think.  Especially since his sister has had multiple miscarriages.  I don’t want her to tell me about her experiences because I’m annoyed enough that’s she’s six months pregnant and getting to do this all before I am anyway.  And frankly, I’m already over analyzing everything I feel and wondering if it’s a symptom of either pregnancy or miscarriage. I don’t need her to fill my head with her symptoms. It’s already pretty full of crap without her. I feel a little bad keeping it from them but I guess sometimes  you just have to protect yourself .

Thirty-six

So, it’s up.  To 36.  But my progesterone is low.  Super low.  0.5 low.  So tomorrow I get more blood drawn and progesterone supplements which I get to stick up my hoo-ha three times a day til we figure out whether or not this is going to keep going up or start going down.

So I get a little bit of hope, and then it gets ripped away again.  And because of Memorial Day, I don’t get my bloodwork back til Tuesday.  So limbo. 

I’m still not optimistic.  I’m trying to take it one day at a time. But I know that is very likely not it.  But I’m praying that it might be.

Sixteen

I swear one day I’ll start posting about non-TTC type stuff.  But right now I just don’t have the energy to think of something.

We did a second injectables IUI cycle.  I got my period three days early.  It was (TMI alert) a good amount of blood and looked like a period.  This was not spotting.  So after much debate, we decided to try another injectables cycle while starting to pursue IVF and getting our ducks in a row for IVF.  I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound and no can do –  cysts.  Last ditch effort cycle cancelled just like that.  Oh well, I guess we’re taking a forced break.

But the bloodwork had been drawn already so of course it was run.  Because of my insurance, betas don’t come back til the next day.  So yesterday my doctor’s office called me.  I was confused.  If results are normal, they don’t call.  And since my cycle was cancelled, I figured they wouldn’t call no matter what.  I let it go to voicemail because I was busy with someone and I figured they were just calling to tell me something absurd like my uterus is falling out.  As my coworker left my cube, she told me I was pregnant.  I laughed.

Then I listened to the voicemail.  About two seconds into I ran out of my cube and into the bathroom because I was sobbing.  My beta was drawn on 13 dpo.  It was a 16.  Of course it was.  Not high enough to say pregnant, but not low enough to say not pregnant.  SIXTEEN.  Either I’m pregnant and it’s building or I was for a split second and now I’m not. 

Sixteen.  Seriously?  Sixteen?

Nothing to do but go back today for more bloodwork and wait for them to call me with the results tomorrow.  Are the numbers going up? Or are they going down?  I have a hunch they will be going down.  I had a period.  That can’t be a good thing. 

So I sit here and wait.  And I figure the numbers will be going down.  But let’s be honest, there’s the thought in the back of my head that maybe those numbers will go up. And maybe this will be it.  And no matter what the answer will be, I think I will be sobbing in the bathroom at work again tomorrow. 

I go back and forth.  It was only 13 dpo!  Of course the number is going to be low!  Totally pregnant.  But no, I got my period.  Of course the number is low, it was a chemical pregnancy.  Totally not pregnant.  There’s a ping-pong game going on inside my brain. 

I’ll know tomorrow.  But seriously, is this some kind of joke the universe is playing on me? 

Sixteen?  Could I have gotten a less definitive number if I tried?

I feel like a failure

Our first round of injectables didn’t go as well as we hoped.  I got a negative HPT today and then AF showed up this afternoon.  I already had a blood test scheduled tomorrow (pregnancy test) so I’m hoping that somehow I can get it turned around and they can squeeze me in for an ultrasound as well? I don’t know how they’re going to play it but I guess we’ll see.

I guess I just had this hope that the injectables would make all the difference.  Instead, we are going to try them one more time and then move onto IVF. 

And I move onto counseling because I’m seriously not handling any of this very well.  This is just heartbreaking.  I just want to cry but instead I have to move along and get ready for work tomorrow.