Type A

5 Feb

It’s always seemed to me that being a “Type A” personality was assumed to be a bad thing.  You’re an uptight, stick-up-your-butt control freak.  Which is totally me.  I have a world in my head and I want (no, more like need) the world outside to match it.

More and more I’ve started to embrace some of my control freak tendencies.  My endless to do lists seem crazy to most people.  But they work – they keep my life in order and they keep my husband’s life in order.  Yes,  I can be uptight.  I have strict etiquette and get upset when other people don’t follow it.  It drives my husband up a wall because he comes from a family that had no rules.  But in my mind, manners are manners.  And because of it, I think I treat people as I’d like to be treated and with more respect than they deserve sometimes.  And really? What’s wrong with that? 

I was reading last night and there was a part of the book where the main character said she liked the feeling of people saying “leave it to her,  and that she’ll be able to sort it out because she’s always in control.”  That’s paraprhased.  It was a lot better in the book.  And I realize I like that too.  I like being the go to person that people (duh) go to.  I like being able to sort things out.  I love the feeling of hearing someone ask someone a question at work and hearing, “Go ask Anna, she’ll know.”  

But also more and more I’m realizing the drawbacks.  I know it’s not fair expecting the world to match the one in my head.  And I know that part has to stop.  Because that is the part that eggs on my anxiety attacks.  I imagine a situation, it doesn’t turn out like I planned, and then I freak out and panic.  It’s gotten bad enough that I went to the doctor to get a referral for therapy … and an anti-depressant.  I didn’t really ask for the second one.  But he kind of highly recommended it. Probably had a little something to do with the fact that when I said the word baby, it kind of came out like a wail and started a waterfall of tears.   And he also gave me an anti-anxiety medication for my panic attacks.  Which makes me sleepy but makes the crazy stop for a little while.

I always felt like therapy and anti-depressants were fine for other people but I was tough enough to get through this kind of stuff on my own.  Like if I made enough lists, I would eventually attack all the things that were wrong with me and then I would be better.  Ta-da!

Right.

So I made a new list.  Go to doctor.  Find therapist.  And then the doctor added on two more doctors he wanted me to visit for general health reasons.  So I have this big doctorly list of things to do now and some of them might help more than “organize pantry.”  Which while useful, will only bring me happiness for a short while and isn’t going to solve my problems in the long run.

So now I have to figure out what I do now.  How do I deal with this?  What do I do when someone offers me a beer?   Everyone is expecting us to have kids.  I can’t stand the winks and the “oh, is someone expecting?” or knowing smiles when I say no to the one beverage that I commonly refer to as the nectar of the gods?  I already get enough of it when I post a Facebook status update about a crazy dream I had or being tired.  At least 2 or 3 posts saying, “I know what this means!” 

No, you don’t. You really don’t.

So do I just say I can’t because I’m on medication?  Do I need to clarify what kind of medication?  Do I just take the drink and fake drink it?  Do I say no thanks andnoit’snotbecauseI’mpregnant really quickly before they ask? I feel like in one way this scrip is going to help take away the no-baby-blues but in a way, it will contribute to them.

So yes, I do have a beginning to a solution for my anxiety.  However, somehow I have made this situation a cause for more anxiety.  Because now I’m worried about what people will think of my refusal of an alcoholic beverage.  I can’t make anything easy, can I?

And I’ve made a blog post about one thing into a blog post about babies.

One track mind, much?

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One Response to “Type A”

  1. Lucy February 5, 2010 at 10:57 pm #

    Just tell people you’ve had a cold or allergies and you took a sudafed/benadryl/something and if you drink it will knock you out. If it’s people you see more often and they will start to wonder why you always have a cold, maybe you’ll have to be a little more honest. But you don’t have to tell anyone anything you don’t want.

    But I do understand not wanting the “are you pregnant” comments. I felt like the moment I got married any time I was the least bit under the weather that’s what people asked me. Annoying!

    Hang in there. Hope the new meds make you feel better!

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