“You make a life out of what you have, not what you’re missing.”

26 Apr

I know I’ve said it before.  It’s the entire reason I started this blog.  But… this isn’t how I wanted it to be at all.  This is not the life I had planned.  This life is so much harder than I imagined.  I wanted drama.   Now I have drama in spades.  I used to love it when people felt bad for me in high school. Oh, how I loved to make a scene.  I would cry about silly things because it brought me love and attention.  Everyone clamored to make me feel better.   Now I have perfect strangers feeling sorry for me because I don’t have the baby I want and I would trade all that love and attention for the love an itty bitty baby.  So, there you go, teenage drama queen.   This is life you wanted.  Hope you’re happy.  Hope you’re loving the pity you’re getting now.

I read an awesome quote today while I was reading The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton (incredible book, by the way).   “You make a life out of what you have, not what you’re missing.”   I have always made my life out of what was missing.  In high school, it was boyfriends and popularity.  In college, it was a place where I felt I belonged.  When I was dating A, it was an engagment ring.  After we got married, it was a house.  Now it’s a baby.

I focus on what I don’t have and build my life to get it.  Not that it’s always a bad thing.  People need to have goals and aspire to better things.  And now I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home.  And I think we’ll make good parents to a baby somewhere down the line.  My problem is my focus on what I don’t have.  It becomes an obsession.  I am constantly obsessed with the fact that this isn’t the life I imagined.  That this isn’t what I thought my life would be. 

I need to focus on what I have. I need to remember my amazing, supportive husband who hides his fears and sadness so that he can comfort me in mine during this infertility struggle.  I need to remember that I have an amazing house which is freshly painted and looks brand new.  I need to remember that I have one fat cat who knows when I am sad and snuggles me.  And knows when I am happy and snuggles me.  (He’ll do anything for a snuggle.)  I need to remember that my family is so supportive and even though they don’t always say or do the right thing, they are there for me and my husband.  Dysfunctional as they can be, they love us and are there.  I need to remember that I have great friends who remember me when I am too preoccupied to remember them.  Who were there for me in my mopey teenage drama queen years and somehow still love me 15 years down the line.  I need to remember that I am so lucky to be planning a European vacation this summer with my husband and another couple which will be spectacular.  I need to remember that I am not the only one with a cross to bear.  That we all have struggles and we all have problems and that no one knows what is going on inside a person’s heart. 

I need to remember that I have a lot. So there’s no need to be basing my life on the things that I don’t.

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