Negative

15 Jul

Well that stupid online magic 8 ball was wrong wrong wrong.  I went to get a blood test today and because of my insurance they weren’t going to be able to get the results back until tomorrow because they had to send them out.  And of course, I am the least patient person in the world so my first reaction was eff that noise.  So I went directly to buy myself a coffee and sausage, egg and cheese on a croissant (because I needed to console myself once I heard I wouldn’t get the results today) and then went to the pharmacy next door and bought myself a home pregnancy test.  And once that coffee did its magic, I took it.  And negative.  Nothing.  Not even a hint of a line so that I could go look at the stick in 45 different kinds of light tilting it at different angles to see if maybe there was a tiny line there.  Nope. 

Of course there is still a slim possibility that I am and it’s just not coming up.  Some people don’t get a positive on a stick til after they are a day late.  And I’m due today so it’s possible but I’m refusing to let myself think that because otherwise I’ll just start to fantasize that it is what happened and will dissolve into sobs when the nurse calls to tell me tomorrow. 

The most annoying thing is that we are going on vacation during next cycle so I can’t even try again right away.  I have to wait til the month after that.  In the middle of my crying fit, I told my husband that I wasn’t going on vacation and he could go without me and I’ll stay here.  We’re going with friends anyway so he wouldn’t be alone!  He did not approve of this plan. 

It’s just so annoying.  I want this so badly that I can’t look at anything about this situation logically.  I can’t think that trying naturally you only have a 20% chance of it working and the way we tried it, our chance is much lower.  That’s not very good odds.  I can’t think about the fact that they say for most couples, it takes about 4 tries for it to work.  It’s like I’m so wrapped up in it that statistics and reasoning and actual facts don’t even matter anymore. 

I hate this situation so much.

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