Back to feeling like a bad person

10 Sep

I went to go get some blood work done at the RE’s office this morning and there were two couples sitting in the waiting room.  I don’t know why but whenever I see couples sitting in the waiting room, I always assume they are there for their initial consult.  I forget that couples can be there together for ultrasounds. 

So I saw one couple leaving and they were “graduating” from the RE’s office so they wouldn’t be coming back. I heard the receptionist (who is the NICEST person ever and remembers everyone’s name) wishing them luck and telling them to come back and visit.  And all I could think is, “Please, God, no. Don’t come back here and visit while you’re visibly pregnant or with a baby.”  I know it’s nice for the staff to see the little miracles they created but seriously, they have to think about the impact that has on their other patients.  It breaks my heart  whenever I see a pregnant woman or a baby in the RE’s office.  It just brings all that pain right back to the forefront. 

The second couple was walking out at the same time as I was and it was obvious that they just had their first ultrasound.  They were holding hands and so giggly.  They were driving a pick up truck and he helped boost her up into the truck and patted her on the arm before  he closed the door. I was parked next to them so I had to wait for him to finish this up before getting into my car and he gave me this big smile as he walked past me.  And all I could think is, “Oh, stop smiling. Why do you get to be so lucky?” 

I’m seriously a terrible person.  I think these hateful thoughts about these people who are so happy and going through something so wonderful.  And when and if I go through all this, I will be behaving the same way as these people. I hope that my husband is super careful around me when I’m pregnant.  And I will want to go back and visit the RE and send them a birth announcement when I am pregnant.  (I probably won’t go back to visit so I don’t torture the people in the waiting room.)  I know I’ll want to shout it from the rooftops when I am pregnant.  So I realize I’m being unfair for trying to deny people the same thing. It just hurts so badly to know that I’m not and they are.   The jealousy seriously kills me and the knowledge that it might just never happen is torture.

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5 Responses to “Back to feeling like a bad person”

  1. katery September 10, 2010 at 7:31 pm #

    my biggest fear, going to the re’s office for infertility treatments to concieve #2 and having to bring #1 with me. the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

  2. Holli Johnson September 10, 2010 at 8:48 pm #

    I wish I could somehow make you STOP feeling like a bad person! The feelings you are having are so completely understandable! I’m sure most (if not all!) people, if battling infertility, would feel the exact same way. So not that it will make it so, but I have to tell you, STOP feeling bad! It’s okay to feel how you do. It’s really is okay, no matter how not okay it might feel, to be having such negative thoughts. Your thoughts in your head will not and can not hurt anyone’s feelings, so think them as loud as you possibly can!

    Ok, I’m done ranting. 🙂

    I really hope you feel at least a tiny bit better knowing that someone out there thinks it is perfectly acceptable to have truck loads of anger/resentment/hate/whatever you may be feeling against pregnant happy people while you are going through this.

  3. Erin Wolverton September 10, 2010 at 9:39 pm #

    This is a totally human reaction and it’s not restricted to the world of fertility. Very soon after my relationship imploded last year, I was talking with a friend at work and asked if she needed a ride home as she sometimes does. She said no, her husband was picking her up. Most casual statement in the world. And my reaction was this flare of anger like, “why does she still get to have a husband?”

    But I didn’t stop there! Oh no! I spent the rest of that afternoon mentally counting down the ways in which I felt I was superior to my friend. Like if anyone deserved to have been dumped it should have been her and not me. CRAZY! But I was feeling a lot of pain and I had to exorcise it somehow, and I thankfully kept it mostly in my head and in my therapist’s office.

    Time passed, and that feeling went away, and so it will for you, however your situation is resolved. Good luck.

  4. katery September 11, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    no, don’t feel bad, it’s a predicament that i hope you find yourself in it one day (not in a malicious way, just because if you are ever in this situation it means you were able to have #1!!!!). you are NOT bad person, i know exactly how you feel, i don’t blame you one bit, i’m just not exactly sure how i’m going to handle it. hopefully we’ll be able to find someone to watch her for every appt, i’m just worried that i’ll even have to bring her to one

  5. Stella M. September 12, 2010 at 1:38 pm #

    @ Holli:
    “Your thoughts in your head will not and can not hurt anyone’s feelings, so think them as loud as you possibly can!”
    You absolutely nailed it.

    Anna, I’m sure you’re a very good person who is going through a rough time. Having negative thoughts is somewhat inevitable, given the whole situation you’re coping with. You shouldn’t beat yourself up so bad. I send you a big hug. 🙂

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