A defining moment

15 Sep

One day my friend and I were talking about our lives and how we had gotten to where we were.    She made an interesting comment.  She said that she could pinpoint the defining moment where her life changed.  She chose one sport over another in high school and that was the moment where everything started to go in a certain direction.  She credits this moment with changing her life and regrets the decision she made.  She is certain that if she had chosen differently, her life would have been very different.

I brought this up to another friend and she said she could do the same thing.  It was the year that things started to get harder for her at school and she just didn’t put forth the effort that she used to.  She also regrets the decision she made and feels like if she had chosen differently back then, her life would have gone down a very different path. 

I was surprised that both of them were able to come up with this moment so quickly.  Like it was on the tip of their tongues.  They just knew this was the moment their lives changed. 

I don’t have that.

I have no defining moment.  I can’t pinpoint anything and I feel jealous of them because I feel like at least they can do something to change this in their current life.  Sure, my friend can’t go back and decide to play the other sport.  Or my other friend can’t study harder in whatever grade that was.  But they can kind of extrapolate an answer to their current issues using their feelings about the past issues.  Or maybe not.  Maybe it just tortures them knowing they made the wrong choice and now 15 years down the line have to just deal with what their choice was back then.

I don’t know when I started to feel dissatisfied with my life.  In high school, I was very dissatisfied.  I was unhappy with myself and not at all confident and so I made myself miserable.  But in college, I was much happier and felt more at easy with my life.  Until my boyfriend broke up with me.  I felt like I lost all my friends.  I used to think that he got the friends in the divorce.  But the more I think about it, the more I probably lost them because of the person I had become when I was with him.  Maybe this is my defining moment? How lame that my defining moment is my college boyfriend dumping me? That’s like the most passive defining moment ever.

After college, I moved to a brand new city where I only knew three people.  It was scary and exciting and I loved it and hated it all at the same time.  But I made friends and I met people.  I met my husband. I settled in. I never left the area.  A few of us still talk about the fun parties I used to have at my apartment.  I loved my life.  And then, somewhere along the way I got dissatisfied again. 

I realize I don’t need a defining moment to change things and to feel like I’m turning things around.  But it would give me something concrete to hold on to.  Right now, I don’t feel like I have that.  It’s so hard to motivate myself to change things.  I spend my day feeling hopeless while job hunting.  I can’t motivate myself to stop watching terrible tv shows and reading 10000 blogs and playing with the dog. 

I used to be the type of person who couldn’t sleep because I had too much energy.  I would organize my closet at 3 am because I was awake and needed something to do.  I never had issues finding things.  Everyone got birthday cards and gifts right on their birthday.  Now I feel like I have to write down load dishwasher on my to do list.  That was just something I used to do. 

I feel like I lost some of the spark that I used to have. And I don’t know how to get it back.  My husband keeps telling me that getting pregnant isn’t going to make me instantly happy.  I know that it won’t.  But at this point, it won’t make me sad so anything’s an improvement, right?

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2 Responses to “A defining moment”

  1. Stella M. September 16, 2010 at 5:54 am #

    I think that only some people can certainly define the momentwhere their life changed for better or for worse. Life is usually ups and downs (like you explained from your experience) so I guess there are more than one defining moment in a person’s life.
    Having a baby won’t make you instantly happy, that’s true, having a baby firstly gives you a very strong purpose to do the best you can.
    This period of your life might not be the happiest one, but sooner or later you’re getting through this baby thing and you’ll find a new job. In the meantime, if I may put my two cents in, focus on what you have which is a lot: A husband, a house, relatives and friends.
    Finger crossed for next week-end! 🙂

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  1. Musical Montage « This was supposed to be my symphony - September 16, 2010

    […] Anna in Uncategorized Maybe if I had a defining moment  in my life, it would be easier for me to have a musical montage where I turn my life around like […]

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