Regrets, I’ve had a few…

8 Oct

I used to be one of those people who never regretted anything.  I used to say that the past was the past and there was nothing you could do to change it.  So why bother worrying about what you did when you couldn’t do anything about it.  It used to be the source of many fights between me and the hubs when we first started dating.  He didn’t understand that .  Who didn’t regret things? 

Lately, though I’ve been regretting things. 

I regret not studying more in college.  I was a great student in high school and could have done very well in college.  But I let beer and boys turn my head.

I regret ditching my friends when I started to date a new guy.  I walked away from college feeling like I never really had a group of friends. I feel like my friends changed from year to year as my situations changed.

I regret not starting to try to for a baby earlier.  We could have learned about our problems years earlier and had a baby by now.  Instead we put off trying and put off going to a doctor because we were sure it would happen.

I regret not getting more involved in things.  I want to do thing, like join groups, or go to alumni networking events or any number of things.  But I don’t.  I get scared of going into something new alone and so I don’t do it.  I can’t tell you how many times I have walked into a  new environment and walked right out because of the fear.  When I first started to learn to crochet, I went to a yarn shop and got panicky about talking to the people there are letting them know how ignorant I am and walked right out.  So I went to Michael’s instead and bought yarn there because I wouldn’t have to talk to a soul there.  Same with when I started scrapbooking. 

I wonder if I’m going to regret taking this job.  I took it by the way.  They came back and gave me what I was asking for.  And frankly, the economy is sucktastic and it’s been hard to find anything.  Who am I to turn down a good opportunity like this?  But I’m terrified.  I’m terrified of starting something new and worried that I won’t live up to their expectations and they’ll regret giving into my requests.  And I’m terrified that I’ll hate it and that I’ll get in trouble for needing time off for fertility treatments.  Alternately, I’m terrified that this last IUI will work and I will have to figure out how to get maternity leave without having been at the job for a year and wondering what they will think of me for needing to take maternity leave so soon.

I wish I could get back the confidence that I had in myself when I graduated college.  It wasn’t always there. But I was brave then.  I moved to a new city all by myself.  I took on a job that I was terrified of. I started working towards a Master’s degree.  It was all so scary and new. And I did it with very few fears.  I’d get scared and I’d get over it. 

I need to find my get-over-it-ness again!


3 Responses to “Regrets, I’ve had a few…”

  1. janet October 10, 2010 at 8:53 pm #

    Hey there. I think we all face this sometimes. I haven’t read this book but it’s been on my “to read” list for awhile and this post made me think of it:

  2. Erin Wolverton October 10, 2010 at 10:31 pm #

    Don’t worry about the work thing. It’ll probably be great, but even if it’s not, it won’t be that bad. Your boss may not like you and it’s really OK. And they are legally obligated to give you a maternity leave, I think, if you happen to become pregnant after being hired. They can’t fire you, and if they give you attitude, screw ’em. You’ll have won anyway, because baby!

  3. cw October 12, 2010 at 5:37 am #

    Thanks for your comments on my blog!

    I sometimes regret “not trying sooner” but then I think to myself would I have given up the great life that I had if I knew it was going to take me longer to have a child? I guess what we will know is that we will never regret not living our life before we have a child so we can put that one in our positive basket.

    Here’s to finding that impulsiveness and taking chances again!!

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