How many times?

13 Mar

How many times can you start again?  How many times can you resolve to change things, to change yourself and fail?  And then start over again?  I feel like every day I resolve to try harder.  And every day I fail.  And once I slip up, I don’t want to do anything more.    That one mistake ruins my day. And I figure why bother trying anymore?

I just want to start over again.  With a clean slate.  But I can’t do that because I’m 32 years into my life.  I’ve got to work around the mess that I’ve created. 

Here is a simple example.  My house is a mess.  Seriously, it’s insane.  We are in the middle of reorganizing and stopped in the middle.  So my upstairs hallway is filled with the crap that no longer goes in the office but we haven’t moved it anywhere else yet.  But every time I start doing something about it, I give up after one thing goes wrong.  I just want to bomb my house and start all over. 

My friend suggested hiring a cleaning lady. Even just for one time to get back to my clean slate.  But honestly, I’d be too embarrassed to let a cleaning lady see that I’ve let it go this far.  Plus a lot of my issues can’t be helped by a cleaning lady (like decluttering). 

So how do I do it? How do I find motivation to keep going even when I mess up?  Because I feel like my life is crumbling a little at a time and my messy house is just the start of it all.


One Response to “How many times?”

  1. Jackie March 14, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    I have been wanting to post on your blog for the last couple weeks. However, I know that nothing I can say will make what you are going through easier. I hated when people said things like “it’ll be okay” or “it just wasn’t meant to be” or whatever….plus, no one knows exactly what it feels like except you, because every situation is different. Just know I am thinking about you 🙂

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