The universe doesn’t give gold stars, dammit

23 Mar

We had a consult with the RE yesterday.  And he said those three little letters I didn’t want to hear. 

IVF.

While we are setting up our consult and getting consents signed and all that jazz, he is willing to let us try a cycle or two of IUI with injectables.  Carefully monitored, though because I responded well to the other drugs and he’s worried about multiples.  Me too! I can’t deal with triplets! 

He also threw in some psychoanalysis for free.  Although I’m not sure he even realized it.  He said that all my life I’ve probably been told that if I work hard, I will earn good things.  And that’s worked out for me, at school, at work.  But no matter how hard I work and how hard I try, I’m not getting the reward that I want because I don’t have full control over this.  And that’s what makes it so hard for me. It seems unfair that I’m working so hard and I’m not getting my reward. I can’t do everything right and still it’s luck, it’s fate, it’s out of my hands.

I feel like this has carried through in the rest of my life. I worked really hard at work.  And then I got laid off.  It didn’t matter how good I was, they didn’t want my group so they let me go.  So now I’m not really trying at work because I don’t care anymore.  Because it doesn’t matter how good you are.  A twist of fate can change it all.

I don’t know why this surprises me.  The universe doesn’t give you a gold star for being a good person. You can be a great person. An amazing humanitarian. And bad things still happen to you.  Or you can be a terrible person, a hateful human being and still get everything you want.  The most I can do is move on with my life and figure out how to react to things.

So, now we think.  We debate.  We figure out if IVF is what we want to do and if it’s something we can afford and how we feel about moving forward with it.

And even though I know it’s useless, I wait for my gold star.

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7 Responses to “The universe doesn’t give gold stars, dammit”

  1. Jackie March 23, 2011 at 6:40 pm #

    This is something I continually struggle with…. I did everything right while I was pregnant and I still miscarried. Working in a low income school district, I see so many women and teenage girls have babies that do not do it right or don’t want the baby and it drives me insane. It is so unfair.

    I hope your gold star comes soon!

  2. FCblacksheep March 23, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

    I want you to get your gold star too. I think he put that very, very well.

    Forgive me for not knowing, you haven’t been doing injectables? I will tell you, for me, they made all the difference.

  3. chon March 23, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

    Can I give you a gold star anyway or is mine totally redundant? I often wonder why people like us end up here. I mean you don’t hear those with no jobs, alcohol issues, drug issues bemoaning the fact they don’t want children! It always seems to be us, those that have worked and tried hard all of their lives only to end up staring down the barrel of a gun. I think injectables could make a world of difference (I too didn’t realise you hadn’t been doing that) but I dont’ want to raise false hope. Anyway I just hope whatever you do it finally bloody works. I need to hear the final symphony.

  4. Lauren March 23, 2011 at 8:40 pm #
  5. Lauren March 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    Dammit that didn’t work. And I linked to the wrong website. I’m just a disaster right now. I tried to link you a photo of a gold star. I think we all deserve it. And I think that the whole Type-A, working hard to succeed thing is something we all struggle with. It’s so hard to let go of the fact that we just cannot control our bodies. I hope you have success with your IUIs or IVF, whichever road you choose 🙂

  6. Karen April 7, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    I don’t know, maybe it’s naive, but I do think there’s something to be said for trying hard and being a good person in this world. Sure, you might not get exactly what you want exactly when you want it, but it doesn’t mean everything else is in vain. People who are mean and terrible might seem like they get everything they want, but that doesn’t mean they live a happy life.

    This is such a tough reality and I hope that it works out for you guys! Hopefully the injectables will make a difference for you like it has for others. Twins would be kind of fun 😉

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Another year older « This was supposed to be my symphony - November 14, 2011

    […] talked about the universe not giving you gold stars before.  And I feel that way now more than ever.  I did everything right.  I followed directions […]

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