I guess I disappeared for a little while

10 Sep

Oops, has it really been a month?  My brain is not functional enough to string together a cohesive post.  So bullets, anyone?

  • We’re finding out the gender on Monday. Most people think it’s a girl.  I think it’s a girl (or is it that I’m wishing for a girl and so therefore I think it’s one?) but I guess we’ll know for sure in a few days.
  • We’re doing this ultrasound at the perinatologist’s.  The genetic counselor recommended a level 2 at the fetal diagnostic center especially in light of the fact that we are very strongly (99.9%) leaning against doing amnio.  I don’t want to risk my pregnancy.  Especially as it’s been 4 years in the making.  And we plan on having and loving this baby no matter what so all it would do is help us feel a little more prepared.
  • I’m terrified of the level 2.  I’m happy to find out the gender but I’m terrified they will see soft markers for Down’s and that will increase the risk that the baby has Down’s.  While I say above that we are having and loving this baby no matter what, I obviously don’t wish for our baby to have any problems.  I just feel like this world is hard enough.  I want my baby to have the best possible start and a slew of health problems is not involved there.  I just pray pray pray that this baby is healthy. 
  • Ever since we found out about this, I feel like everyone on earth uses the “r” word.  Has this always been the case and I just haven’t care enough to notice?  Like everyone.  Professionals in the work place who are in higher level positions, my younger coworkers, people I overhear.  I am on my own personal crusade to abolish it right now.  My sister-in-law made a joke about Down’s today (she doesn’t know about this risk for us, she is pregnant and we didn’t want her to worry) and I shut her right down and told her not to joke. She agreed it was wrong.
  • I lied above. She isn’t pregnant anymore.  I’m an aunt today.  She had the baby earlier today.  All is well, he is healthy, she is doing well.  We visited today and plan on going back tomorrow. I need more snuggle time with the little guy.
  • I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m insanely jealous that her baby is here first.  I know it’s not a race or a competition. But I should have had the first grandchild.  I’ve been married for 8 freaking years.  I love him to death. I just wish he was born after mine.  Or that mine was here already.  Will this feeling every go away?  It makes me feel like such a horrible person and I feel like I can’t really talk about it to anyone because they will think I’m awful.  It just drives me crazy to hear people telling me that I’ll be next.  I know they mean well but I shouldn’t be next.  I should have been first.
  • Oh yeah, we’ve been married 8 years now.  Most anticlimactic anniversary ever.  We went out to dinner but it was totally an afterthought.  Like yeah I guess we should do this.  He did send me flowers at work though.  They are gorgeous.  I bought him a little card and treat but I was just too tired to do any shopping.
  • I’m tired. So tired.  Where is this energy kick I was supposed to get?  After coming home from work, I just want to pass out on the couch and watch tv.  I have no energy at all.  Some days I wonder how I’m going to get through the work day… for many reasons.
  • I cry like all the time now. I cried on the way home from the hospital out of horrible jealousy that she had the baby first.  I cry at work when someone makes a snappy comment. I cry at work when I want to be home (because I hate it there). I am constantly running to the bathroom at work to cry.  I cry at commercials. I cry at tv shows. I cry when the dog does something sweet.  I cry when I’m angry, sad, happy, laughing.  It’s all waterworks all the time.
  • Which is why it’s so surprising to me that my ankles and hands are so freaking swollen all the time.  How am I retaining water when it’s all coming out of my eyes?  By the end of the week, my ankles are balloons.  After a weekend of resting and being off my feet they are back to normal and by Friday they are elephant ankles. 
  • I’m ending this list of complaints.  There are all these little things that are bad but overall I’m happy.  My belly is growing and that is freaking surreal. I’m almost embarrassed by it.  Like, I don’t want people to comment on it because I feel like it would be jinxing this miracle that is happening.  I still don’t believe it’s real half the time.  After so many years of failure, I can’t believe it’s happening.  Sometimes I ask A if this is real because I worry that I might have hallucinated this all in my head. 
  • I’m halfway through this pregnancy almost.  Halfway.  I never thought this day would come.  But I’m so happy it’s here.  When I think about, it makes me want to cry.  Of course.

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