My days

6 Oct

Some days are better than others.  But all the days are bad.

Some days I cry all day.  I stare into space and all I can think of is my baby.  All I can think of is what I have lost.  The baby, being a mother, the time it took to get pregnant and the time that I was pregnant. I was so close.  I know – it was four months – but it was SO CLOSE.  Why?  Why would God let me get pregnant just to take it all away from me halfway through the pregnancy?

Some days I’m numb.  I see babies and I feel nothing.  It must be the shock protecting me in some way.  It was so much easier to do this while I was in the hospital.  While it felt like a life and death situation.  Now that I’m home, it’s hard.  The urgency isn’t there so it just feels sad.  I don’t care anymore that my life was in danger.  All I want is my baby.

I’m angry and sad that this happened.  It feels so incredibly unfair.  Half the time I wonder if I’m being punished for something.  Why can’t I be a mother?  What do other people have that allows them to be moms and have happy healthy kids?  I was supposed to be a mom.  Now I’m nothing.

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6 Responses to “My days”

  1. jackie October 6, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    my therapist and I talked A LOT about how I feel like I’m being punished. It is so unfair and I hate that some of us have to go through things like this. You are a mom though. Your baby may not be here, but he is still your baby.

  2. Kirsten October 6, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    I’m new to your blog, and my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine your sorrow.

    You are a mum. You will always be a mum to your precious baby. The love and joy that you have lavished on your baby are so important.

    The only thing that other people have that you don’t just now is luck. This stuff doesn’t make judgement calls on what sort of person you are, if you deserve a family or if you will be a good parent or not. It’s just dumb luck. And that makes it harder to bear – there is no sense to any of this.

    You are not nothing! You are desperately sad, and in an awful place, but your words show that you are a sensitive, resilient, loving human being, and that is not nothing. That is everything!

    Please, seek out all the support you need. A professional might help you untangle your feelings. And be gentle with yourself. This will take time.

    Very best wishes
    Kirsten

  3. janet October 6, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

    I agree with Jackie. You are a mom.

    You also aren’t alone. Sending hugs to you.

  4. Kate October 7, 2011 at 2:50 am #

    This breaks my heart. You are a mother. Your son will always be your son, and I hope with all my heart that one day you can share his memory with your sons/daughters. I hope all of the days start to get a little better with each day that passes.

  5. FCblacksheep October 7, 2011 at 7:18 am #

    I think everyone above is right. The first thing you have to do is start thinking of yourself as a mother. You had a son. He died prematurely. That’s the truth. In some ways, it makes it harder but in other ways, it’s good because as long as the memory of him lives on in your heart, you’ll know that it wasn’t all for nothing. As hard as that is to think of right now. This weekend I’m going to friends who lost their son at 25 weeks. They’ll be planting a tree on the year anniversary of his death. They’re still hurting but honoring him in this way helps. You will find your own way to honor your son and I believe that will help the healing. You’re a mom Anna and an amazing, strong woman, whether you realize that now or not. I said it before but no one should have to go through what you did and the fact that you made it to other side still breathing shows how incredible you are, even if you don’t feel it right now.

  6. Mo October 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm #

    I second everyone else. You are a mother. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
    And you are not alone. And you are loved. And this will get easier. It may not pass, but it will get easier.
    Sending you huge hugs.

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