How to move on

10 Oct

I know – it’s barely been two weeks.  I shouldn’t have moved on yet but you’d think I’d be a little further by now? How do I do this?  How do I move past this?  How do I stop thinking about the fact that I was pregnant and now I’m not anymore? How do I get over the fact that I’m not going to have a baby in February?  He was supposed to be here in February.  And now I’m back to being this babyless person.  I thought it was all over.  I thought that I had finally escaped this curse.

My husband thinks that I need to be doing things to redirect my thoughts.  He’s right.  Staring into space and crying about the fact that I lost my baby and that I have to start all over again to make a family isn’t the right thing to do to get over this.  But I just don’t have the energy or the drive to do anything more.  He keeps pushing my Kindle on me because I love to read.  But I just can’t focus on the words.  Tv works as a distraction somewhat.  I have this need to clean and put things in order but every time I get up to do it all, I just feel too tired to do any of it.

I can’t escape the feeling that I’m being punished.  Why else would this be happening to me?  What other answer is there?  I was so ready to be a mom.  And it’s so frustrating to me to hear my sister-in-law freaking out about things and getting all nuts about her baby.  I just think to myself that I was more ready than her and deserved it more.  Maybe that is why my baby was taken.  Because these are the thoughts that I have in my head.  Maybe if I was a better person, this wouldn’t have happened.

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7 Responses to “How to move on”

  1. Mo October 10, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    Don’t you DARE talk that way about yourself. You didn’t deserve this. This is not your fault.
    i can’t tell you why this happened, because I don’t know. I do know one thing: That you didn’t cause this.
    You move on when you can move on, no sooner, no later.
    Please please take care of yourself until then.
    Sending you a huge

  2. Jay October 10, 2011 at 11:14 am #

    Everybody has their own way of coping, and its a slow discovery process in itself. After my first loss, I spent a ton of time just escaping into a world of books and movies and TV for long stretches of time, but the utterly grim reality was always waiting for me at the other end. I also forced myself to go out- I was actually up and about at a fair the day after my D&C. Though it was not great (and was horribly surreal) being surrounded by happy people without a care in the world, I’m glad I forced myself to go out- when I was by myself, I just cried and cried and cried- getting out of that loop, even for a few hours, was good for me. I went back to work 2 days after my D&C- and it saved me. The second time I lost my baby, I just boarded a plane back to my parents immediately- being with them helped me cope far, far better than being by myself.

    You have had an incredible physical trauma in addition to losing your baby, which makes it much, much harder. Give yourself the time to grieve, but your husband is on the right track: start looking for avenues that allow you to escape momentarily, may it be work or little distractions. And then, take it one day at a time.

    I know it feels like you are being punished- I’ve been there myself, and its a very destructive thought process. Some very tough love(both from myself and my mother) helped me get out. After you go through infertility and/or loss, feelings of victimization are utterly natural, but I’ve never felt as horrible as when I let those feelings take root, and I always feel much better and stronger when i squash them.

  3. Jay October 10, 2011 at 11:17 am #

    About why this happens- That is a question I’ve tried very hard to answer. I’ve tried to address it in multiple ways on my blog- this is the rationalizations that helped me. Just sharing

    http://aboutplanb.blogspot.com/2011/07/to-beleive-or-not-to-beleive.html

    http://aboutplanb.blogspot.com/2011/01/on-universe-that-does-not-give-damn-and.html

  4. Hotpotatokate October 10, 2011 at 3:31 pm #

    This was not because of you. Unsatisfying as it is, the world just sucks balls, and the universe has no sense of fairness, which is why bad stuff happens to people who have already had more than their fair share.

    Move at your own pace- two weeks is nothing. What about a vacation? Somewhere quiet and outdoors, just you, music and a journal?

  5. Erin W October 10, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

    I am so, so sorry about your loss.

    My therapist says (and by the way–if you haven’t made that therapy appointment yet, DO, and GO) that we don’t need to apologize for the way we feel. We feel how we feel. If you hate the world right now, if you hate God, if you hate your sister-in-law (and I kind of hate your sister-in-law), that’s how it is and it doesn’t make you a bad or unworthy person. Certainly not a person who deserves tragedy and grief and disappointment flung at them.

    Give yourself adequate time to grieve, and don’t listen to anybody’s advice on what the proper timetable is for grief, because there isn’t one. And also don’t let people tell you that you are not adequately acknowledging their sympathy! Maybe this is just jerks I know, but I know people who get snippy if they make a phone call of condolence and you don’t return it like, right away. Fuck ’em. This is your sorrow, and your husband’s. Handle it the way you’ve gotta handle it.

    Again, I’m so sorry.

  6. janet October 10, 2011 at 4:04 pm #

    I’m having a hard time today too. The unfairness is stinging. I spent the weekend with two pregnant friends and I kept my composure most of the weekend and then totally lost it when it was over.

    Are you getting out of the house every day? That is a good goal. My worst days were the days I let myself never get off the couch, even though that’s all I want to do every day.

    Thinking of you. xox

  7. Elphaba October 11, 2011 at 7:30 am #

    You did not cause this–the world absolutely does not work like that. It was just crappy luck that you’re here. And I’m so sorry you’re here–stop being so hard on yourself. You are totally within your rights to feel terrible right now. Two weeks isn’t enough time to complete the grieving process. Sending you lots of hugs.

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