12 Oct

I thought I had all this time.  To take belly shots. To read and sing to him at night. I thought I had time to develop all these little rituals that would bond us before he was born.

I barely have any photos of myself pregnant with him.  The ones that I do have I don’t even want to look at right now because it hurts too much but one day I might want to look at them.  And all I have is these silly pictures – not even one good belly shot in there.

And I used to read to him a little once I knew he could hear, but I thought I’d have more time.  Did he even hear my voice? Did he know we were singing to him?

But then I think of the things I did have time for – like pick out his stroller and car seat.  And find birth announcements.  These things that we’ll never get to use because he will never be here.  I am so glad we didn’t start to set up his nursery.  I just don’t know how I would have been able to enter that room had he started to decorate.  But now I feel like if we ever have a boy, I can’t use that same theme we were planning.  It was his.

And now I have to rearrange my brain and change how I thought I would be having a baby.  I sobbed when I first walked out of the hospital doors because I was walking out without him. I will never be wheeled out of the hospital holding my baby.  I will maybe be allowed to visit a birth mother in the hospital depending on what she agrees upon. I won’t have this big shower before I have my baby where there will be this anticipation of having my baby. Instead it will have to happen after I bring my baby home so that we can avoid any awkward oops sorry, the birth mom decided to keep her baby and we’re not bringing a baby home after all situations.

And I know these are things that I will get used to once we learn about and embrace the adoption process when we are ready.  And I will do whatever it takes to bring a baby into our home and into our hearts.  But right now it’s hard to wrap my brain around thinking about how different my life is going to be than I thought.

I was 18 weeks and 1 day away from the life I had envisioned.  And from bringing my baby home.  Why couldn’t God have granted me 18 more weeks?


4 Responses to “Time”

  1. FCblacksheep October 13, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    I think it’s beautiful you sang to him. Yes, he knew. I wish I could give you those 18 weeks.

  2. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row October 19, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    I’m so sorry. Deeply sorry. Wishing you healing and love and light.

  3. Gail K October 21, 2011 at 7:38 am #

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    As for photos, I know you aren’t ready to see them now, but I know you will likely cherish them in the future. If you want more of them and work in a building with security cameras, you could write a letter to the security office explaining your situation and ask for a tape or still photos from the tape of you during your pregnancy. Again, I know that this is the last thing you want to see now, but you may want those images in the months and years to come.

    I wish you nothing but healing and peace.

  4. K October 21, 2011 at 9:28 am #

    I’m so sorry. You should have had that time. It was always yours and it shouldn’t have been taken away. This is heartbreaking. I’m so so sorry. Take care of yourself these days.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: