Time

12 Oct

I thought I had all this time.  To take belly shots. To read and sing to him at night. I thought I had time to develop all these little rituals that would bond us before he was born.

I barely have any photos of myself pregnant with him.  The ones that I do have I don’t even want to look at right now because it hurts too much but one day I might want to look at them.  And all I have is these silly pictures – not even one good belly shot in there.

And I used to read to him a little once I knew he could hear, but I thought I’d have more time.  Did he even hear my voice? Did he know we were singing to him?

But then I think of the things I did have time for – like pick out his stroller and car seat.  And find birth announcements.  These things that we’ll never get to use because he will never be here.  I am so glad we didn’t start to set up his nursery.  I just don’t know how I would have been able to enter that room had he started to decorate.  But now I feel like if we ever have a boy, I can’t use that same theme we were planning.  It was his.

And now I have to rearrange my brain and change how I thought I would be having a baby.  I sobbed when I first walked out of the hospital doors because I was walking out without him. I will never be wheeled out of the hospital holding my baby.  I will maybe be allowed to visit a birth mother in the hospital depending on what she agrees upon. I won’t have this big shower before I have my baby where there will be this anticipation of having my baby. Instead it will have to happen after I bring my baby home so that we can avoid any awkward oops sorry, the birth mom decided to keep her baby and we’re not bringing a baby home after all situations.

And I know these are things that I will get used to once we learn about and embrace the adoption process when we are ready.  And I will do whatever it takes to bring a baby into our home and into our hearts.  But right now it’s hard to wrap my brain around thinking about how different my life is going to be than I thought.

I was 18 weeks and 1 day away from the life I had envisioned.  And from bringing my baby home.  Why couldn’t God have granted me 18 more weeks?

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4 Responses to “Time”

  1. FCblacksheep October 13, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    I think it’s beautiful you sang to him. Yes, he knew. I wish I could give you those 18 weeks.

  2. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row October 19, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    I’m so sorry. Deeply sorry. Wishing you healing and love and light.

  3. Gail K October 21, 2011 at 7:38 am #

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    As for photos, I know you aren’t ready to see them now, but I know you will likely cherish them in the future. If you want more of them and work in a building with security cameras, you could write a letter to the security office explaining your situation and ask for a tape or still photos from the tape of you during your pregnancy. Again, I know that this is the last thing you want to see now, but you may want those images in the months and years to come.

    I wish you nothing but healing and peace.

  4. K October 21, 2011 at 9:28 am #

    I’m so sorry. You should have had that time. It was always yours and it shouldn’t have been taken away. This is heartbreaking. I’m so so sorry. Take care of yourself these days.

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