Better

19 Oct

I feel like I’m doing better.  Better is a relative term so that varies from day to day.  But I’m able to laugh now.  Really laugh.  Not fake laugh.  Not a slightly hysterical laugh that could turn into tears at any second.  Not a laugh where I automatically burst into tears afterwards because I feel guilty.  I think that is a sign of improvement.

Mornings are not as hard anymore.  I don’t wake up and automatically think of him.  But nights are still hard.  Going to sleep when my mind starts to wander, my mind goes to him.  And the fact that I’m laying on my stomach now instead of curled around a body pillow because of my belly.  I miss being pregnant so much more than I ever imagined.  I would give anything to go back to the nausea stage even.  I would kill to pee my pants because I puked so hard again.

I also find myself sad at the oddest times.  Sometimes I look at the dog and feel so sad for him.  Because he almost had a little buddy to run around with. I pictured the two of them being friends and running around together.  I know they would have loved each other.  And anytime I think of taking a vacation, I always remember that my next vacation was supposed to be a babymoon.  Instead I got a week in the hospital.  I used to love the fall.  Now, will it always remind me of this?

A former coworker contacted me on Facebook.  His wife is pregnant and he started a chat with me talking about how our kids could play together.  Obviously he hadn’t seen the news.  It was a sucker punch to the gut when I saw that message pop up.  But we ended up having a good talk.  He said that he thinks this is our last setback.  And that the last one is always the biggest and hardest.  In a way, I hope that’s the case.  But I know that there is no way to tell what the future holds.  It could get worse before it gets better.

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5 Responses to “Better”

  1. Elphaba October 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm #

    I wish I could hug you. And I really, really hope that this is the bottom for you and that it’s all up from here.

  2. LowFatLady October 19, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

    Sending you hugs. I am glad you are doing a little better.

  3. chon October 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    I am glad you are laughing. I wish we could get together and laugh and all of this shit and say how it has made us strong and brave and wonderful. Give your dog a hug for me and give one to yourself too. xoxo

  4. Erin October 19, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    Glad you are doing a little better – of course it is going to take time and you will always have moments when you are sad. Hopefully your favorite season will not always be a reminder of this terrible time in your life. I am sending many thoughts and prayers your way.

  5. FCblacksheep October 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm #

    You sound better. It’s such a cliche but take it one day at time. You’re amazing. Don’t forget that. And goodness gracious, you damn well better be pointed in the up direction.

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