20 Oct

A surprising number of people have told me how angry they are on my behalf.  It was a reaction that kept surprising me.  I could understand feeling sad for me and being upset that this had happened but I didn’t expect anger.  And now I’m starting to feel it.

At first, I was in shock.  And I should probably be grateful for that.  In the hospital, the urgency of the situation made it easy to move on.  It had to be done or I would die.  I had to deal with the situation. There was no other choice.  Because of that, it didn’t seem to bother me as much.  This would happen and then we would adopt or try again or figure something out once I left the hospital.  It wasn’t until after we lost the baby that it started to hit me that this was going to hurt.  It wasn’t such an easy thing.  My baby was gone and I was heartbroken.  I guess shock only lasts so long.

I spent a lot of time crying and being upset.  I spent a lot of time asking why me and trying to figure out if I was being punished.  I wanted to know why this had happened.  I tried to convince myself that it hadn’t happened.  That I might have imagined it all.  It’s funny. I used to ask my husband whether I was imaging the pregnancy, because I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.  Then I was wishing I had imagined it all because it was too terrible to think about.

But now, I’m starting to get angry.  This is unfair.  So unfair.  Unfair is too small and too meaningless a word to describe the situation.  I’m mad that this happened.  And I keep wishing it hadn’t happened.  And I’m mad that I can’t will it away.  My anxiety is getting worse again and I think it’s because I have all these new feelings about what happened.

I want to punch things.  I want to run really far away.  I want to scream. But honestly, I just don’t have the energy.


One Response to “Angry”

  1. Jay October 20, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

    I’ve been through the anger gamut myself, thankfully, briefly. Its very, very easy for other people to be angry on your behalf, but when you are angry and you stay stuck in that mode, its is not productive. Don’t stay there, because what is the point of being angry?? The two emotions that are like acid, because they accomplish nothing and eat away at you, are anger and bitterness. Life is not fair to a select few, and when you look around, there is always somebody worse off. I cannot understand why some are targeted by the fickle universe, but if you are one of that small crowd, the only peace that is to be gained is by accepting what happened. My mom is the one who repeatedly gave me this talk, and I’m so glad she did. All of this is incredibly easy to say, but if you can master this, you have basically learned the hardest lesson that life doles out.

    You are an incredibly strong woman, and looking at the amazing progress you have made in a few short weeks, I know you will heal, and emerge from this a much tougher person. Be angry today …but work at letting go and accepting.

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