Is this how it’s going to be?

22 Oct

The first time I ate lunch meat after having the baby, I felt guilty.  I hadn’t eaten lunch meat since getting pregnant.  And eating it made me feel guilty because in my head, I still felt pregnant.  And it made me sad because I knew I wasn’t.

Now, everything I eat has something attached to it.  I saw Burger King on tv and I thought wow, I could really go for some Burger King.  My mind immediately went to the last time I had Burger King.  It was a craving I had while pregnant and I stopped at the drive through on my way home from a doctor’s appointment.  Now I don’t want Burger King anymore.

I felt the same way going to our favorite diner.  Ordering my usual and realizing that this is the first time in months that I’ve been able to have coffee with my meal.  And remembering how this meal was the only thing I wanted sometimes when I was pregnant.  It made me sad to remember that the last time I was in this diner, I was with a friend.  A pregnant woman walked by and I felt okay and I was so proud of myself for not feeling sad and jealous.  Now, I’m back to seeing the pregnant women and being sad and jealous.

Is this how it’s going to be now?  Is everything I eat going to be a reminder of my pregnancy? Is everything in my life going to be divided between before I lost the baby and after I lost the baby?  Down to my freaking meals?


10 Responses to “Is this how it’s going to be?”

  1. Creating a rainbow October 22, 2011 at 10:48 am #

    Losses are so so so hard. You’re right..everything relates back the baby somehow. It’s crazy….but it dose get easier with time. I promise.

  2. cinderelly October 22, 2011 at 11:22 am #

    It’s the same way for someone who has lost their spouse. Everything is a before and after. All part of the grieving process.
    I just want to say that I think you are so brave to share your feelings and experience with people you don’t even know IRL.

  3. New Year Mum October 22, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    Know how you feel… I craved so many things when I was pregnant with Gabrielle then suddenly didn’t want them anymore after she passed away. And I was often dividing things b/n before we lost her and after… then the line slowly started to blur again. Grief is such an overpowering thing sometimes. Thinking of you and know that we’re all here for you xoxo

  4. FCblacksheep October 22, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    One day you will be blessed again and a whole new set of associations will form. And while you’ll probably never forget these before and afters, they won’t hurt as much. I promise.

  5. Alissa October 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm #

    Thank you for coming to comment on my blog Anna. Everything you say hits home. The memories of being pregnant, of finally being able to be excited and happy to see other bellies…of the guilt you feel over your body betraying you and your child…and of the guilt you feel about laughing or eating certain things again.

    I had a small glass of wine the other night and started crying because I knew I shouldn’t be able to drink it, but I could.

    Your story and circumstances, although a little different, are so much the same. I feel very connected to you and your pain. My loss was only one and a half weeks ago (at about the same stage of pregnancy), and I ache so badly for my twins that I am not sure what to even do with myself most of the time.

    I am here to support you and let you know that I am in the same grieving pattern. I am in pain too and all I want is to be back where I was. Happy and pregnant.

    Many hugs friend.


  6. Marissa October 23, 2011 at 10:30 pm #

    I’m here from LFCA and I just wanted to say how very, very, very sorry I am for your loss.

  7. Angie October 23, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter at 23 weeks to HELLP and pre-e (and then went on to have a healthy baby boy this April.)

    The reminders are hard for a very long time. And the guilt. And everything. I think the first 6 months are the absolute worst, but it does slowly and surely get a little easier. I really recommend seeing if there are any pregnancy/infant loss support groups in your area, they are hard to go to at first, but helped/help me so much.

  8. janet October 24, 2011 at 10:52 am #

    Sometimes I wonder if those feelings are our brains’ way of keeping us close to our babies. Or maybe I just have a strong desire to be close to the baby, so I’ve kept certain things attached to him in my mind. It’s really hard, but I do think some of what you describe will fade over time.

  9. littlebluebirdsfly October 25, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    Hey Anna. . . I just wanted to reach out to you as another reminder that you’re not alone. I was just referred to your blog by a reader of my own. I’ve tried catching up on a bit of your story. . . but, I’ll admit, it’s hard. Even 3 years after my own nightmare with HELLP, the memories are sometimes still so fresh that it’s hard to read. I’m bookingmarking this to come back and read later, bit by bit 🙂

    But, if you haven’t already found someone who can relate, I wanted you to at least know that there’s a stranger out there in cyberspace who might . 3 years ago, I was pregnant with twins after 2 years of IF and, the same day as our anatomy scan (although we already knew we had a boy and a girl), I was sent to the hospital. . . . they were just shy of 20 weeks. Just like you, I was told that I was dying. . . that it was not me *or* them who would die – it was either they die, or we all 3 die. Like you, I had no choice. But, still – learning to live with that was a process that I don’t wish on anyone in the world. I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss.

    I kept a blog,, for quite a while, until someone IRL found it. Now, most of that blog is gone (although you’re welcome to see what’s left), but I did move to a private blog. We now have living children who are mentioned on it, but if you’d like to read, or just to chat – just let me know. You can reach me at

    Also, I found an amazing resource in the Preeclampsia Foundation – feel free to check their community forums out, too –

    xo – B

  10. Jackie October 26, 2011 at 11:13 am #

    It will for a while, but eventually things will get better. It is usually the first couple times you do something that you previously couldn’t that are really hard. Hugs.

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