Back to work

25 Oct

It’s been four weeks since I lost the baby.  It doesn’t seem that long ago and yet it seems like forever ago.  Time is really weird that way.

I will probably go back to work next week.  As long as the doctor okays it at my appointment on Friday.  I don’t see any reason why the doctor won’t okay it.  The thought of going back to work is killing me . Before we lost him, I was trying to find a way to quit my job after the birth and stay at home for a little while with the baby.  I was going to start looking for a new job about three months after he was born and eventually go back to work, just not my current job.

I’ve never liked my job.  Not from the moment I started it.  I was not happy there and it wasn’t what I wanted to do.  I deluded myself into thinking the job was fate.  I was offered it during a two week wait and they met all the things I requested in negotiation and I thought that was a sign that it was going to be a positive cycle and I should take the job.  I know, it’s insane.  It just shows you how desperate I was to believe any sort of sign that my life was going in the direction I wanted.

From day one, I was unhappy with my choice and it only got worse.  Then I got pregnant and I thought finally! The reason why I took this job.  Now, I lost the baby and I’m wondering why I ever took it and why I am forced to go back.  My husband makes the very good point that without that income, we probably would not have been able to try as many cycles as we did and would have had to dip into our savings, which would make adoption more difficult.  Regardless, I’m not happy there and was looking for a new job until I got pregnant.  Now the job hunt begins again.  But until I find something new I’m forced to go back there.

I should feel grateful that I have a job.  Many people aren’t so lucky in this economy. I just hate to be more miserable than I already am. I really need to change my attitude before I go back there.

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2 Responses to “Back to work”

  1. Creating A Rainbow October 25, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    I love my job (most of the time) and I felt it impossible to come back after my miscarriage and even after my chemical. It is almost a slap in the face to see the world still plugging right along after a horrible, traumatic life event. I also work in pediatrics….enough said. I’m with you, for sure. Your feelings are completely normal and expected.

  2. chon October 26, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

    totally normal feelings. and it doesn’t hurt to look for another job. you have to be happy and if your job is compounding your feelings of unhappiness, well…..time to move on. you can’t apologise for having a job in the current climate, but it does make it easier to look for the perfect job.

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