Going back

30 Oct

Tomorrow is the big day.  I’m heading back to work.

I’m terrified.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to take it.  I’m going to have to park in a regular spot and walk past the expectant mother spot.  I’m going to have to deal with people looking at me and asking me how I’m doing, which is enough to set off the waterworks.  I’m afraid that I’m pretty much going to spend the entire day crying.  I’m afraid I won’t be able to get any work done because I have no energy and no concentration.

I just don’t want to.  I really really really don’t want to.  I feel like a little kid throwing a tantrum.  I hate it there.  I hated it there before.  I thought I wouldn’t come back.  And if I did have to come back, I’d have this beautiful little baby at home to get me going and to be my motivation.  Now I have nothing.  I’m going through and it’s going to be miserable and I’m going to hate it.  Everyone keeps saying it won’t be as bad as I think but I know it will be. It might even be worse.

I’m throwing myself a pity party here. I realize that.  It’s just not fair.  It’s so freaking unfair.  Everything about this is.  I know I’m supposed to count my blessings but right now but right now everything just sucks.  I hate my body that can’t even handle the freaking of job of carrying a baby to term once it finally gets its shit together and gets pregnant.  I hate my job.  I hate everything.  I’m miserable and can’t imagine a time when anything will go right.

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3 Responses to “Going back”

  1. chon October 30, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    oh hon, I am sorry that you are having to go through this shit. I wish I could take away some of the pain for you. I can hang out with you at your pity party. I will bring some lemonade. xoxoxo

  2. New Year Mum October 31, 2011 at 1:36 am #

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re heading back to work tomorrow… I dreaded this day too and it took all my strength to walk through the door… I almost turned back so many times. I dreaded anyone saying anything and how I would react… but then no-one said anything at all… nothing… I was initially relieved then later hurt. People just don’t know how to react or what to say. We’re all here for you… now and always xoxo

  3. Alissa November 1, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

    I am glad to go back to work and it’s tough at the same time. It does help get your mind of things for a short while, which is a blessing. But having those people ask you questions and look at you with pity, just plain sucks. I won’t tell you it will be roses, especially if you already hate your job, but it may help just the tiniest bit to do something normal.

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