I survived

31 Oct

It was pretty horrible.  I spent most of the morning in the bathroom sobbing. I had a fight with my husband about how I’m putting all my pain on him and not letting him be sad.  I cried any time anyone came to talk to me, whether they mentioned it or not.  Two women who went out on maternity leave while I was pregnant are back and I’m so jealous of them, I could vomit.  I felt like everyone was looking at my belly.

The afternoon was better.  Then my friend stopped by and I started crying all over again. I just felt like she didn’t understand.  She tried to say the right things but there is no right thing.  There is nothing that will comfort me.  I’m miserable.  Nothing anyone can say will help unless they say, “Wake up.  It’s September 23rd, you fell asleep at your desk and you’re going to be late for your doctor’s appointment where everything will be perfect.”  And no one can say that.  She kept telling me I should quit if I’m not happy.  Oh sure.  I get to choose.  My savings go towards adoption or keeping us afloat while I look for a new job.  It’s not that easy.  She got two babies for the price of a Clomid prescription in her first six months of trying.  I’ve already invested close to 20K into trying and all I have is ultrasound pictures of a baby who is gone.  It was not an easy conversation and it left me sadder than when I started.

I cried because it was a hard day.  I cried because she couldn’t find the right words.  I cried because she didn’t understand.  And I cried because I was eyeing her belly and I can’t figure out if she’s gaining weight or if she’s pregnant again.  And I cried because it shouldn’t break my heart if she is but it does.


7 Responses to “I survived”

  1. Erin October 31, 2011 at 8:08 pm #

    I am sorry to hear that it was so hard going back to work. I know there is nothing I can say to take away your pain. But, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers!

  2. NewYear Mum November 1, 2011 at 1:12 am #

    Your day sound so hard… words are so difficult to hear and when others don’t say anything, it’s equally as hard. But hardest of all is seeing others who have had it so much easier…. hope your days get more bearable for you. Love to you always xoxo

  3. Meg November 1, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    That sounds like an awful day, absolutely just awful. I’m sorry. It’s so hard when you want to lean on people – your husband, your friend, etc. – but they can’t provide what you need. I’ve never been through what you’ve endured (I’ve got no kids, never been pregnant before) and I’m just so sorry. I hope you are finding some peace in blogging, because you are doing an incredible job of documenting your grief. I think you will look back one day and see what an honor this is to your son’s memory.

  4. Bea November 1, 2011 at 9:14 am #

    I am so sorry. I heard your news through LFCA and just wanted to say that.


  5. chon November 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm #

    It’s totally ok to cry and be sad. Don’t make apologies about checking out the belly. I do it all the time and i haven’t even been through what you have. And yes, if she is pregnant it does suck and you do deserve to be thoroughly pissed off. Sending you super hugs Anna. xoxo

  6. Alissa November 1, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

    It was your first day. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I felt that way the first week. Now into the second week, I cry at work once or twice, but can manage to have a few conversations without breaking down. One step at a time my friend. That’s how I look at it.


  1. And she is « This was supposed to be my symphony - November 17, 2011

    […] The coworker that I thought was pregnant is in fact pregnant. […]

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