It gets easier

2 Nov

Work is getting better.  It’s still not easy.  But there is less crying, more laughing.  I still spent most of my day in a daze unable to focus but I’m trying.  I’m there.  That’s all I can do right now.  Hopefully by the end of the week I’ll have some semblance of concentration back.  It needs to come back at some point before I get myself fired.

Today was slightly harder because we were joking about leaving for the day at lunch.  I said, “well I’ve been gone for five weeks so maybe no one will notice if I’m gone.”  This guy who eats lunch with my group of friends at work asked where I had been. I left it vague, that I had been out on disability.  He asked what happened, if I didn’t mind him asking.  So I had to tell him.  I teared up. It was hard.  He apologized but I survived.  I survived someone not knowing.  It would have been harder if he had asked how my pregnancy was going instead of just asking why I was out.  But I lived through it.

As I was leaving work, all I could think to myself was, “You are not pregnant. You are not pregnant.  You are not having a baby in February.” I know this.  I know I lost the baby.  But sometimes I have to remind myself.  I don’t know if it’s denial. Or just a way that I torture myself or what.  Either way, it hurts every time.  But I lived through that too.

Every day I think that I can’t possibly get through the day.  But I do somehow.  I’m hoping that one day the day will come that I just live the day and don’t worry about how to survive it.

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2 Responses to “It gets easier”

  1. Creating a rainbow November 3, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    That day will come….and maybe even quicker than you expect (which of course causes some guilt)…but that day will certainly come.

  2. Alissa November 3, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

    I am so with you. I always have to tell myself that I am not pregnant anymore and I won’t be having twins in February. Same as you.

    I am trying to tell people ahead of time so they don’t ask about the twins, but it’s so hard to bring it up or keep myself together when I tell them. It sounds like you are slowly finding your way. But boy is it tough.

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