Another year older

14 Nov

I had a birthday.  Another year old, another year… what?  I don’t feel wiser.  I feel more jaded.  Less hopeful.  But wiser? I don’t think so.

I’ve talked about the universe not giving you gold stars before.  And I feel that way now more than ever.  I did everything right.  I followed directions and tried to do everything perfectly.  And none of it mattered because my baby died anyway.  I took my prenatals.  I stayed away from everything I was supposed to stay away from.  I didn’t gain too much weight.  And it didn’t do a bit of good.

Sometimes I think perfectionism is a form of OCD.  I think that if only I can get it all right, I will get the things I want.  If I do everything picture perfect, I will get a baby.  Or I think that I lost the baby because of something I did.  I didn’t keep my house clean enough. I didn’t start preparing the nursery early enough.  I wasn’t eating enough vegetables.  Maybe God saw that I wasn’t doing those things and decided I wasn’t ready for a baby.

But I have to remind myself, that if the universe doesn’t give gold stars, that means that it probably doesn’t give you demerits either.  I have to remember that good things happen and bad things happen.  Life isn’t like school.  Working hard at making a baby doesn’t guarantee that you get one.  You can work hard and get nothing in return.  But then again, sometimes just when you given up, life hands you a miracle.  Even if sometimes that miracle only lasts 22 weeks.  And maybe there’s some hope left in me after all.


5 Responses to “Another year older”

  1. Creating A Rainbow November 15, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

    Great post. I struggle with the perfectionist aspect of IF and miscarriage too. “I do everything perfect” and still 1) lose a baby 2) can’t get preggo again. You’re right, life doesn’t hand out demerits or gold stars, even though it felt like it “in school”. Damn it, man, why can’t “perfect” people end up with healthy, living babies no matter what!!??

  2. Alissa November 15, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    I feel like this all the time. Maybe if I hadn’t had that McDonalds…or if I had only waited a few more weeks to buy all that baby stuff…maybe I would still have them.

    When we don’t know who or what to blame, we blame ourselves. I just wish, like you, that being a good, deserving person was enough to assure you end up with a living baby in your arms.

  3. chon November 15, 2011 at 9:31 pm #

    Happy Birthday.

    I like what you say about “if the universe doesn’t give gold stars, that means that it probably doesn’t give you demerits either” it’s true. You can’t give and not take away. Ergo, does the universe do anything at all?

    You are doing so well and I am incredibly proud of you. x

  4. NewYear Mum November 16, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

    Happy birthday 🙂 I’ve often thought that if only I tried harder or did/didn’t do something then maybe Gabrielle would still be here and I wouldn’t be battling IF… sounds like we think in a similar way. But we need to be gentle on ourselves… this battle is hard enough without beating ourselves up. Thinking of you with all my heart for your birthday xoxo

  5. Detour November 17, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    I love how you put this in terms of gold stars and demerits. I think we all have to battle with our perfectionism with TTC and pregnancy. Some of the “what if’s” from my first pregnancy/loss are what if I got too hot sleeping with my electric blanket, what if my panic attack killed my baby, what if it was that cold I got. Then, everything really was perfect for my second pregnancy, and perfect wasn’t enough. Nice post!

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