What people know

21 Nov

We went to the mall this weekend and ended up having lunch.  As we were leaving, my husband was careful getting out of his chair because there was a baby in a car seat at the next table.  The guy sitting there told him he was ok, and so my husband told him he had a cute baby and asked how old she was.  As we left, he commented to me that in his head he was thinking, “What would happen if I told that guy that we lost our baby instead of asking how old she was? I felt like he should know.”

I have this feeling all the time.  I’m irrationally angry at the people who do know.  I want them to unknow it.  To stop looking at me with pity. To not be afraid to talk to me because I might break.  On the other hand, I get irrationally upset when people don’t know.  When people walk into restaurants with their babies, how do they not know? Isn’t it written all over my face? Can’t they be more sensitive?

I know, logically, that this is insane.  I can’t possibly expect people to unknow or to know.  And no one is having babies to break my heart.  People are just living their lives and I can’t expect them to stop having kids just because my baby died.  I can’t expect people to keep their babies at home because there might be someone who lost their baby at the restaurant they are going to.

A neighbor was kind of pissy with me the other day about my dog.  I wanted to shake her and say, “Don’t you know what happened to me? Do you really think that your stupid problem is high on my list of priorities today?  My priorities are surviving the day, keeping my animals alive, and taking my antidepressants.” But I can’t.  That would be crazy and irrational.  And if she knew, I’d be angry at her for pitying me.  There’s just no pleasing me, these days.

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One Response to “What people know”

  1. Alissa November 21, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    check on all points. I am the same way and I feel mental because of it.

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