Domestic Adoption Informational Seminar

23 Nov

We’ve decided we want to pursue domestic adoption.   I’m not going to get into the reasons why.  I don’t want to justify my reasoning.  For right now, I think it’s the right choice and I hope you’ll allow me to leave it at that.

An agency in our area had an informational seminar.  It was a little earlier than we had planned on starting but I figured who was I to pass up an opportunity to learn more about their program.  We registered and attended and while we’re not sure it’s exactly what we are looking for, I’m happy we went.

The agency is licensed in six states.  They require you to be done with infertility treatment before they will allow you to proceed with the adoption process.  They only do open adoptions.  They require the adoptive parents to meet the birth mother twice.  They require pictures and letters to be sent to the birth mother once a month for the first six months, and the once a year until the child is 18.  This can be done through the agency, no need for direct contact with the birth parents.  We don’t even have to know each other’s last names.

That is what is required.

An optional choice is allowing a visit with the birth parents once or twice a year.  They have a yearly picnic and you can use that for your one visit a year and most people do.  It’s neutral territory and you’re with a bunch of families doing the same thing.  We still have the option of keeping our last name, address, and contact information private and coordinate our visit through the agency.  They tell you repeatedly that this choice is entirely optional.  However, they recommend you do it because most birth moms want to reserve the right to have a yearly visit.  Even if they don’t want to do it right away, they don’t want to rule it out for the future.  So most birth moms want to look at profiles of parents that are open to a visit.  Essentially, if you aren’t willing to agree to a visit, your pool of moms looking at your profile is much smaller.

My husband wasn’t comfortable with this.  He wasn’t uncomfortable with it, either.  It just was not his first choice to have a yearly visit with the birth mom but he’s not entirely closed off to it.  I was more open to it than he was.  However, I am definitely the more gullible of the two of us.  I can be sold pretty much anything.  It’s one of the things I have to remember.   While the adoption agencies are doing an amazing thing, they are also a business and what we were sitting through was, in essence, a sales pitch.  They’re going to sell their way as the best way so that you choose them.

I think I need to more research about the psychology of adoption and figure out what we think the best philosophy is and choose an adoption agency that we like and shares that philosophy.  It may include a visit from the birth mom once a year or it may not.  We’re going to have to decide what is right for us.

We have two other agencies that we are currently looking into.  There are others that we want to research further before contacting them.  We also got information about an adoption support group, which might be helpful to go to. It would be great to hear about people’s experiences with different agencies.  It’s going to be a long process, but if it’s what to takes to become a mother, it’s what I’ll do.

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4 Responses to “Domestic Adoption Informational Seminar”

  1. janet November 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    Wow, I am really proud of you for going to this. I’m sure it feels like a big leap emotionally, and requires your (broken) heart to be very open.

    I hope you can learn more; I’m sure it’s very overwhelming. Just like all of the healing, it’s one step at a time.

  2. amanda November 23, 2011 at 7:33 pm #

    Congratulations on moving forward and looking into adoption. That must be a HUGE step in the healing process (not that you’ll ever forget your loss). I hope you are able to find your answers and find an agency you feel comfortable with!

  3. cinderelly November 25, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    Congrats on taking that first step in the adoption proces. My husband and I had looked into domestic adoption and decided we weren’t ready for it.

    I’m sure all the info seemed a bit overwhelming and it definitely has it’s own set of anxieties and fears. The reward will make it all worth it. And you should never have to justify why you made this decision. I know a couple who adopted even though they had no fertility problems and people constantly questioned why they did it. It doesn’t matter when a wonderful child is with a family that love him or her.

  4. Feit Can Write August 16, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    Hi – I stumbled onto your blog (searched the adoption tag) and just wanted to chime in on a couple of things:

    1) Congrats on your decision to adopt. It will easily be the best decision you ever made.
    2) Open adoption seems scary (or at least it did to us), but you (and your child) will be so, so, so much better off if there is a strong, positive relationship with the birth mom and/or birth family. Let’s face it – as awesome of a parent as you are going to be, there are certain things that will be tough to provide for your child (who they look like, where they got their beautiful eyes, great singing voice, or athletic talent) without knowing their birth family.

    Our first meeting with our daughter’s birth family (birth grandma and great-grandma only, we haven’t had a chance to meet with her birth mom yet) was scary and initially intimidating. But then we realized that these are nice people who love our daughter and want the best for her (which means being with us forever). They simply want to make sure she is safe and healthy and happy, and be able to revel in watching her grow up as a beautiful girl.

    Any way, I hope that helps. I’m going to keep nosing around and I’ll probably drop some more comments as I go.

    Best of luck in your journey!

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