My Body

25 Nov

It’s amazing how much infertility and loss has made me hate my body.

By the time we started to try for a baby, I was already weighing more than I wanted to.  With every failure each month, I buried my hurt in ice cream or pizza or beer.  Delicious things that made the pain a little easier to bear.  So by the time I met with the RE, I was told to try to lose some weight.  Still, every failure there brought me back to a beer or margarita or glass of wine.  That usually came with pizza and wings or Mexican food or pasta.

I hated my body already.  I hated that I was overweight. I didn’t feel attractive anymore.

I started to hate it more when I failed to get pregnant month after month.  I used to have a cycle that was perfectly 28 days.  I ovulated on day 14.  I was a textbook case.  Once we started trying, I noticed that my cycles were a week longer.  If we were taking a break, I went back to 28 days.  I hated that my body wouldn’t cooperate.

I hated that even though I ovulated normally, every month on my own, I still couldn’t get pregnant.  My body worked in such perfect clockwork that I was allowed to do natural IUI cycles.  The first month, I was beautiful. 28 days.  Perfection.  The second month, my body rebelled, I ovulated a week later.  Next cycle, I started on the meds.  I wasn’t going to let my body add an additional week to what already seemed like an eternity of trying to get pregnant.  Apparently, since I was already ovulated so normally, the meds shrunk my cycles.  I was ovulating on day 11 sometimes.  I was okay with that.  The faster the better!

I hated my body for failing month after month to get pregnant when it should have been operating normally.  I ovulated so beautifully month after month – why wouldn’t a pregnancy take?

Finally, I got pregnant. For a while, I loved my body.  My stomach got hard. My breasts were huge.  I threw up on a daily basis.  Sure, I had some bleeding, but the baby’s heartbeat was strong and he was sticking around.  I became one of those women you see that constantly rubs her belly (only in the privacy of my home! NEVER in public where it could upset other infertiles).  I was so happy. My feet swelled up and I only wore one pair of sneakers or flip-flops when I could.  I was still happy. I was concerned but the doctor told me to cut out salt and the swelling should go down.  It did for a while.  The day I was admitted to the hospital my feet were still huge after a night of sleep.  I had a doctor’s appointment and I figured I would ask about it then.  I never got the chance.  My blood pressure was skyrocketing and I was leaking protein.

I went back to hating my body.  Hating it for failing me in the middle of my pregnancy.  Hating it for killing my baby.  Hating it for making me sick and not giving me any warning symptoms besides swollen feet that could be mistaken for a regular pregnancy symptom.

I looked myself in the mirror when they finally let me out of bed. I looked horrible. I was swollen all over, my eyelids didn’t even look like eyelids, they were so fat.  My hair was greasy and ridiculously tangled. I looked awful.  I felt a little better after a shower. Except that my stomach was soft.   My breasts were hard.  My body was still swollen.  I cried because my body knew instantly that it wasn’t pregnant anymore.  How does it get with the system and work perfectly sometimes and so imperfectly other times?

Now, my body is back to normal.  My stomach is soft. My breasts are normal.  My legs and feet are normal size.  My eyelids look like regular eyelids.  My nails are brittle because I’ve been refusing to take my prenatal vitamins because I’m not even sure why I should bother anymore.  I’m sure now that we’re not trying, I will have my perfect 28 day cycles again.  It will all go back to normal.

So how do I stop hating my body?

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8 Responses to “My Body”

  1. Creating A Rainbow November 25, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    Time…and teensie-weensie steps in that direction. A glance in the mirror that you “dont look horrible”, a normal cycle, a pelvic ache during ovulation, etc, etc. It does get better….little by fucking little.

  2. Alissa (MissC) November 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

    I left you an award on my blog, my dear.

  3. Creating A Rainbow November 25, 2011 at 6:30 pm #

    You have been nominated for a blogging award! Yay! http://creatingarainbow.blogspot.com/2011/11/award-me.html

  4. Her Royal Fabulousness November 26, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    I have always hated my body, even pre-TTC. So, it is no exception that I hate it now. It isn’t easy at all. But, maybe if we can stop hating ourselves so much, the stress in our bodies would decrease a bit. I’ll try and remind you of that, and you try to remind me. OK? 🙂

  5. Alissa November 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm #

    I understand hon. I am right there with you. I hate my body everyday and the only time I didn’t was when I was pregnant…it was finally doing what it was supposed to. I cursed my body while I was TTC and now I am cursing it again.

    You are not alone. I can’t seem to stay away from the sweets now and I know it is not helping.

  6. K November 27, 2011 at 8:02 pm #

    I know. It’s so hard. I also have perfect 27 day cycles. Ovulate every freaking month. And now, after 25 months, still not pregnant. I feel like my husband got a defective wife, and by extension, I was born with a defective body. It sucks so hard. I just want to do what everyone else does. Nothing big. Just what everyone else goes through life expecting and doing with ease. It’s just so hard. I’m so sorry for you.

  7. NewYear Mum November 27, 2011 at 10:34 pm #

    Know how you feel… I feel as though I’ve lost all connection with my body and don’t trust it anymore. Yoga is the only thing that has ever helped me to feel reconnected with my body again. Love to you always xoxo

  8. Detour November 29, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Great post. I hear ya. If I knew how to stop hating my body, I’d share my secret. I loved my growing body when I was pregnant, too.

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