Status Quo

11 Dec

There’s a part in The Hunger Games, where the main character is having trouble distinguishing between what is real and what isn’t and the doctor tells her to start by listing the simplest things she knows are true and building to the more complicated.  I find myself doing this a lot lately. Not quite on purpose.  The thoughts just start because sometimes I think to myself that I’m pregnant.

And that’s when the listing begins.

No, I’m not pregnant.  I was pregnant. For twenty-two weeks.  I am not pregnant anymore. February 1st with come and go and I will not have a baby. I will most likely never be pregnant again.

Why is that?

I spent 33 years of my life NOT being pregnant.  I have been pregnant for 22 weeks of my life.  Not even.  21 weeks, 6 days.  So I’ve been not pregnant for 32 years and 30 weeks of my life.  Not being pregnant is status quo.

So why is it so confusing to me that I’m not pregnant if I’ve spent a majority of my life not being pregnant ?


3 Responses to “Status Quo”

  1. robin December 11, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    Maybe it’s hard because you were starting an identity shift, too. I don’t know. 😦

  2. Alissa December 12, 2011 at 1:04 am #

    I know what you mean. I feel confused all the time. I think it’s because making ourselves believe we were in fact pregnant took so much convincing and we wanted it so much, that it’s hard to now convince ourselves that we are not anymore.

    It’s like unlearning something you drilled into yourself.

    • Anna December 12, 2011 at 9:19 pm #

      That’s a good way of putting it – unlearning something you drilled into yourself. Maybe after my due date comes and goes, it will feel different.

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