26 Dec

As of December 23rd at 10 am, nothing had been done.  Gifts were still unwrapped (and some were still being delivered that day). The tree was completely undecorated (aside from three random strands of light) and the house was naked of all Christmas decorations.  I hadn’t baked a thing.  My sister-in-law called at 10 and asked if I wanted McDonald’s.  I really wanted a sweet tea and an Egg McMuffin so I said yes if she was going out, I would love a delivery.  She dropped by with my food and asked if I wanted her to come in. I invited her in. We hung out for a while.  When the baby fell asleep on my chest, I told her she wasn’t going anywhere til he woke up because I was having a nice time snuggling with him.  She ended up leaving at around 8 or 9 pm.  My mother-in-law also came over and she brought us lunch.  And then volunteered to decorate my tree.  She and my sister-in-law did most of the tree decorating while I decorated the rest of the house and wrapped all my gifts.  I didn’t get any baking done.  But my house was decorated, my gifts were wrapped and I felt better about the holidays.  They did it all wrong of course and completely not how I would have decorated the tree myself.  But in the end, it looked as amazing as it always does and just like it would have looked as I had done it.  And every time they did something differently than I do, I said to myself, Anna, you be grateful that they are helping you. Don’t criticize.  Be happy that they are taking time to help you when they have their own things to do.  And I didn’t criticize and it looked amazing and I was so grateful for their help.  Plus I got all my gifts wrapped.

I tried to approach Christmas in this spirit overall.  I tried to be appreciative of all my gifts.  Even if they weren’t exactly what I wanted, I reminded myself that I’m 33 years old and not a child.  I know enough to appreciate the thought behind the gift even if it wasn’t exactly the right thing.  I tried to remain appreciative of the fact that were able to spend time with both our families even though things weren’t done the way I wanted them to be done at either place.  I just tried to go with the flow which is a difficult thing for me to do.

I’m happy Christmas is over.  And I wish I had this entire week off so that I could fast forward to the new year.  I know that it’s not like someone comes along and wipes a slate clean for you.  But I do feel like maybe the new year will provide me with a new start.

While my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were helping me, I was clearing off a place for some decorations.  I had too much in my hands and I was trying to work quickly and I broke my little angel statue.  My mother-in-law had bought it for me after we lost the baby.  It was his statue and I started to sob the minute I saw it heading for the floor.  It was his angel.  I should have been more careful.  Everyone has told me that I can’t be so hard on myself.  That it was just a simple accident and that it was a material thing.  On Christmas, my first gift that I opened was a new angel.   I know that January 1st won’t bring me relief from this kind of pain.  I know that February 1st is going to be hard horrible day for me.  But I feel that 2012 is still filled with the hope of better things to come.



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