Two week wait

17 Jan

Two weeks.  In two weeks, it will be my due date. I’m in a two week wait.  Maybe when I hit his due date, I will have some closure.  Maybe then I can stop counting in my head.  Maybe then I’ll feel better about the fact that my belly stopped growing and that my baby is gone.  Can you ever feel better about that?  He’s gone.  There’s nothing to change it.  I know that time heals.  But this will always be a horrible, sad thing.  There will never come a time that I will be happy about this. It will always be sad and I will always miss him.

How do you come to terms with that?

How do I stop hurting?

I know that February 2nd won’t change a thing.  It won’t be the day I stop counting down.  It will probably be the day I start counting up.  He should be one day old, one week, one month.  Will I ever stop counting? Will I always remember how old he should be?  It feels wrong if I don’t.  But if it feels like I’m not healing if I do.

I see and hear his name more and more now.  Is that a sign? Or is it just because I’m more cognizant of his name now? It’s not exactly common. I feel guilty because I still haven’t bought a necklace like I wanted to.  Nothing seems right and if I do find something that I like, my husband doesn’t like it. I know it’s my necklace but I feel like we should agree upon it.  He was our baby.

It’s the year of the dragon this year.  That was a nickname we had for him.  When I first heard that, I thought it was lucky.  I thought he was bringing us luck for this year and maybe that would mean good things for adoption. But then I realize that he should have been born in the year of the dragon. Why couldn’t he bring luck to himself?  I’ve been seeing dragons everywhere, too, by the way.

This isn’t coherent, I know.  I’m not coherent right now. I miss him so much it breaks my heart.  I miss him and the time I didn’t have and never will have with him.  I never got to hold him.  That’s all I keep thinking.  He was mine.  And I never held him.  I barely even felt him move.  Just a few flutters here and there.  I never got any time with him at all.   Just 22 weeks.  That wasn’t enough time.

So now I wait.  I wait two weeks and see.  Will his due date change anything?

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7 Responses to “Two week wait”

  1. robin January 17, 2012 at 10:43 pm #

    😦
    This is probably the hardest kind of 2 week wait.

  2. K January 17, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    I’m so sorry. I can’t image the hurt you must be in. Just try to be as kind to yourself as possible. Take naps and eat comfort food. The pain will never go away but maybe it will get easier to bear.

  3. Chantelle January 18, 2012 at 10:59 am #

    I hope you have something special planned to memorialize on that day. I did and it gave me an immense amount of peace. I shared that experience on my blog, if you are interested. I was due on October 31st, so the archive should be in early November. Thinking of you during this awful 2ww. xoxo

  4. Casey January 18, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    I’m so very sorry. Call me when you can, I never know what your schedule is. I see his name, too. And then I am comforted that I have the opportunity to stop and think of you, and him and find strength in your journey. I don’t know if it helps to know that others will remember – and I know I can’t remember in the way that you do – but his life will always be in my heart, too. And I’m honored… It has to be okay to keep counting, down, up.

  5. Brooke January 18, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    Oh gosh, I want to give you a hug. I remember that time (just over a year ago for me). My baby was stillborn 6 weeks early, and that space between her birth and her due date were the hardest weeks of my life. The grief was so intense, and I felt like I was in a terrible kind of irrational limbo. Yes, it does get a bit easier when the date passes. Not that it’s better–you know grief is a gradual, circular, unpredictable beast–but I felt like I could breathe a but easier once that date passed. I felt like I could look forward instead of backwards, if tht makes sense. Be easy on yourself, and do whatever it takes to get though these two weeks.

  6. chon January 18, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    Just sending you the hugest hug imaginable. Love chon xxxx

  7. Living Our Life In Cycles January 18, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

    I’m sorry. ::hugs::

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