21 Jan

God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because he knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood. -Beth Moore

How can I believe something like this? How can I believe any of this is “part of God’s plan” or “God’s will” or “is happening for a reason.”  What reason? Why would God give me a baby – the one thing I’ve been praying so hard for – and then take him from me?  How can anything in the future be more glorious than the baby I was carrying?  And if there is another baby in my future, why couldn’t I have had both.  Why take the life of my little boy?  Why take him before he ever even had a life to live?

What lesson is God trying to teach me?  I have already learned what seems like infinite patience.  I waited four years to conceive.  Four very long years.  My pregnancy was difficult.  I had morning sickness. I had anxiety. I had back aches.  I got into a car accident.  We thought our baby had Down’s.  I bled.  I had a horribly slow start with terrifyingly low hormone levels.  I was grateful for every last second of it.  I would have gone the other 18 weeks. I would have gone 20 weeks more.  I would have been grateful for every second that baby was inside of me and growing and being healthy.  I was miserable at times.  But so grateful.  I would puke and thank God that it meant he was safe.  I sobbed because my back ached so badly (now I realize this was likely a symptom that something was horribly wrong – my preeclampsia was diagnosed a day later and I swelled up like a balloon two days late) but I kept thinking, I can do this for him.  I know patience.  I know suffering for something I love.  What other lesson did I have to learn from his loss?

I often think that I’m being punished.  And I remind myself that God wouldn’t kill a human being he created to punish another human being.  Right?  God couldn’t do that, right?


5 Responses to “God”

  1. robin January 21, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

    These are hard questions to wrestle with 😦

  2. Chon January 22, 2012 at 4:54 am #

    I don’t want to comment because I don’t want to upset your faith. Does god do these things to make us stronger? I don’t know. Does your faith make you stronger or more confused? Can you talk to anyone more well versed to help answer these questions? Xxx

  3. Detour January 22, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    I don’t know. 😦

    I saw that your due date was coming up soon. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that must be.

    I like your new look, by the way!

  4. Brooke January 22, 2012 at 1:37 pm #

    I think we all have these questions. I read two books that helped me process some of this. One was When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner and the other was Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards. The short answer is no, I don’t believe that God works that way. But it did mean reconsidering how I think about the way God and prayer works in our lives. My best friend from high school is a pastor now, and she says God works through the people in our lives, not through the events that are out of our control. I hope you find God in those moments. I know it’s so hard.

  5. Alissa January 24, 2012 at 12:13 am #

    I have all those same questions and doubts. I don’t even know what I believe in anymore. If God did have a hand in my babies coming too early, I don’t think I want to know him. If he didn’t and sat by without protecting them…I don’t want to know him. If he has no say or hand in any of it, then many many people are wrong about what kind of hold he has over our lives.
    You are not alone in your struggles with faith. I am not sure where I stand anymore and it makes me sad.
    I wish I could say something to make you feel better. The only thing that made me feel better in the area of faith is to think this:
    Maybe God knew our children weren’t going to make it and told them it was their decision when to leave. They could leave before having tried, or wait to get to know us a little before their time was up. They chose to stay with us as long as possible.
    That made me feel better.

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