Forgotten

27 Jan

I fear that he will be forgotten.  It’s already happening.  A coworker was whining and I told her only one of was allowed to be depressed at at a time.  She asked when her turn was and I said February 2nd.  She asked what was so special about February 2nd and I explained it was the day after my due date. She apologized for forgetting and I told her I didn’t really expect her to remember.

Because logically, no one else carries him around with them every day.  No one else remembers that I was supposed to be about to pop at this time.  I mean, in a vague way, I guess they remember that I was pregnant and maybe I should be big or have given birth or something but no one really remembers that it was supposed to be NOW.  Not even my coworker who was complaining to me about why she doesn’t “feel like taking the gestational diabetes test” and is a week late for it.  Finally I got all the information for the nearest Quest off the internet, emailed it to her and told her not make me play the “I wish I could carry a pregnancy this far so I could make this appointment” card.  That seemed to have worked.  We’ll see.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to speak to her again if she doesn’t go for this test.

On February 1st, people will post mundane details of their lives on Facebook.  Someone’s car won’t start.  Or they’ll be enjoying their morning coffee so much they have to post about it.  Or they’ll just post a cool video they saw.  I will want to scream at them. Don’t you know that my baby is dead and today was supposed to be his due date? But how could they know?  Who could remember the due date of a baby that died 17 weeks ago?

I fear that everyone will treat February 1st as a normal day, while for me it will be a day that my heart breaks just a little bit more.

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12 Responses to “Forgotten”

  1. Jackie January 27, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    A lot of people won’t remember, but some will, and I hope you find comfort in their love and support. I was just thinking about how your due date is approaching this morning. So know I will be thinking about you and sending you a virtual hug.

    My due date for my first pregnancy was the same day that a popular mommy blogger had a scheduled c-section. It was VERY hard for me and I was so jealous, so I just avoided blogs and twitter and facebook that day. I can’t say for sure that it helped, but it was nice not torturing myself even more that day.

  2. robin January 27, 2012 at 9:35 am #

    Are you planning something special for you and your husband on Feb 1? I think even though most people will treat it as a normal day, your family can treat it as a special day, even if it’s a sad kind of special.

  3. Brooke January 27, 2012 at 9:59 am #

    It’s so hard, I know. Sending love and remembering with you.

  4. Elphaba January 27, 2012 at 10:28 am #

    I’ll think of you both that day. Hugs.

  5. Janet January 27, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

    Not everyone will forget. But no one will remember quite like you, either. I think most people just don’t understand.

    Hugs. xoxo

  6. chon January 28, 2012 at 9:35 pm #

    I read this post and my heart literally breaks in two for you. I can promise that I for one will remember your little boy on February 1. He wont be forgotten as you will always remember him.

  7. K January 29, 2012 at 8:49 am #

    This was beautifully written. As others have said, I hope you take that day for yourself and make it special. It is a tremendously huge day. I’ll be thinking of you.

  8. Alissa January 30, 2012 at 2:08 am #

    I am afraid of my ‘due date’ too. It’s Feb. 26th and I am scared for all the same reasons as you. No one else will know my twins should have been here with me. I know it will be hard for you. I KNOW.

    If it helps at all, we will remember. Every time you write on your blog you are putting a peice of his memory back into the world. We will help you remember him.

    My suggestion is to write a special letter to him (and post it here) on his due date. Then plan a small candle lighting ceremony or something for at least you and hubby. Maybe even some family. That is what I am planning.

    Do something for your son. We’ll be here to support you.

  9. Kate January 31, 2012 at 12:47 pm #

    Hi, I haven’t commented much, although I’ve wanted to, because I’m also due in February and since I started reading so late in the piece (you were about 18 weeks) I feel like a spectator, and an insensitive one at that. But it’s Feb 1 in New Zealand today, and I am thinking of you and wanted to let you know that you and your little man are not forgotten today in this far flung corner of the world.

  10. Chantelle January 31, 2012 at 5:30 pm #

    I will remember….2 days, mama, 2 days. May a sense of peace and healing overcome you!

  11. Detour February 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    Anna, I’m thinking of you today. My heart broke to read this. I’m not forgetting your son and I’m sending you tons of strength to make it through the day.

  12. FCblacksheep February 1, 2012 at 7:04 pm #

    I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you today. Sending you big hugs and a little extra strength to help you get through.

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