Four weeks

29 Feb

He would be four weeks old today, if he had been born on his due date.  Four weeks.  I would have been a mom for four weeks right now.  Would I feel frazzled? Would I feel frustrated? Would I feel content?  Would I be breast-feeding? Would he be eating from a bottle?  What would the dog and cat think of him? Would they be jealous or would they be curious? Would they want to protect him? What would I feel?  How would I feel to be a mom?

The whole world is in a conspiracy to not let me forget.  I get free samples of formula.  I get postcards advertising newborn photo sessions.  I get formula coupons.  I still get the Parenting magazine I signed up for when I bought my first maternity clothes at Motherhood.  People are forever asking me if I have kids.  How do you answer that? Yes, I do, he’s dead – he didn’t make it past 22 weeks.  No, he didn’t live for 22 weeks. I carried him for 22 weeks.  He was never even born.  No one wants to hear that.  It feels wrong to say no, though. It makes me feel so guilty and disrespectful when I say I don’t have kids.

Four weeks old.  He will never be four weeks old.  He will never even be four minutes old. Four seconds.  He will never be.  But he WAS. How do I reconcile that?

February has been a hard month.  Maybe March will bring some peace.

 

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3 Responses to “Four weeks”

  1. Janet February 29, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    I hope March brings peace.

    Maybe take every opportunity that people ask about your baby as a chance to tell people he existed. He was real. Would that make you feel any better? “Oh, sadly the baby died. But we loved him so much and miss him.” (Easier said than done, right?)

  2. Living Our Life In Cycles March 1, 2012 at 10:49 am #

    I’m so sorry this month has been so hard for you. I hope that the days coming up bring you some kind of peace. Hugs.

  3. Alissa March 2, 2012 at 2:31 am #

    I know where you are at. My twins should be 5 days old now, not floating in a lake. I’m here hon…I understand so very much.

    I pray we both find more and more peace as the days pass us.

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