His Name

18 Apr

His name is on a list of baby names trending for 2012.  I knew the name was growing in popularity.  It’s not that this is surprising.  It still gave me a jolt of surprise though, when I saw it on the list.  But that’s all it was.  Surprise.  Some of my fellow bloggers and friends that have lost babies see signs for/from their children regularly.  They see rainbows.  They see their baby’s names.  They see butterflies.

I rarely see these types of signs.  I see his name from time to time.  I see dragons on occasion which was a nickname I had for him.  It’s the year of the dragon though, so they were kind of everywhere for a while with Chinese New Year.  I never see rainbows or butterflies. I never feel a sense that what I do see is a sign from my baby. Or for my baby.

Did I not have a connection with him like others had with their babies?  Is it just because I’m not looking hard enough? It’s just another thing I feel guilty for.  I feel like I didn’t love him enough because I don’t see him now.

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5 Responses to “His Name”

  1. Mo April 18, 2012 at 7:08 pm #

    Oh sweetie, please don’t feel that way. I don’t see Nadav either. I think it’s just different people looking at things and dealing with them in different ways.
    I understand what you mean, about feeling like maybe you didn’t love him enough. It’s a familiar feeling. I have it often.
    All we can do is try to make peace and blame ourselves as little as possible.
    And just by questioning whether you loved him enough, in my eyes, is proof that you loved him beyond measure.
    St. Elsewhere told me in an email a few days back that the cells of our babies stay with us after we give birth. This is, according to what she told me, a scientific fact. I take comfort that Nadav is in a small way still with me, and I know that no matter what, he always will be.
    I know the same goes for you. And that is enough.
    Sending you love and light.

  2. Wannabemom April 18, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    I think sometimes people see what they want to see… and make something out of what just is. Coincidence, not a sign. Maybe that’s skeptical or realistic — I don’t know. I don’t think it means you didn’t love him enough. The fact that you feel guilty is proof of your profound love. If you truly didn’t love him enough, you wouldn’t have these thoughts — these things wouldn’t matter the way they do.

  3. Wannabemom April 18, 2012 at 7:38 pm #

    I think sometimes people see what they want to see. When sometimes what they see, just is. They are looking for something and whatever is there will be the sign. Maybe I’m a skeptic or a realist, I don’t know. I don’t think it means you didn’t love him enough. The very fact that you feel this guilt and have these thoughts demonstrate the profound love you had for your son. If you didn’t love him enough, none of this would even matter.

  4. FCblacksheep April 18, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

    Well, I don’t even want to acknowledge that last question with an answer because it’s one of the silliest things I’ve heard. I think the question you should be asking is “is it possible to have loved him anymore than I did” and the answer would be no. You don’t need signs. He’s apart of you. And always will be.

  5. Alissa April 22, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    Oh hon. Of course you loved your baby a million times over and he loved you. Who knows if these signs are real messages from our lost ones or simple coincidence. I think we see what we want to see. For some of us, it makes the loss feel less difficult and ties us to someone we can’t see anymore.
    Your son knows how much you wanted and loved him. It would be wonderful for you to find a tie to him, but you may have to make it. Give him a symbol that you think represents him or your love for him. Something that is special to you. Only if you want.
    I promise that your son is with you in spirit as often as my twins are with me. I just chose to give them an earthly face.

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