Every day is a gift

21 May

Lame cliche, right?

You know, I really do forget almost all the time that I almost died.  It doesn’t occur to me because it is so overshadowed by the heartbreak I feel about the loss of my baby.  I feel like I need to start reminding myself each morning:   I almost died.  Had I not had a doctor’s appointment scheduled that day, I could have had a stroke at any point while driving home from work.  I had no warning symptoms of my preeclampsia and I could have developed eclampsia and died.

I need a giant reminder:

” Good morning, idiot.  You lost your baby but you could have lost your life.  But you didn’t.  They caught it in time.  You had to give up your baby but for that you got to live.  Hopefully a long life where you will potentially adopt one, two, three, however many kids you want.  You will be a mom because you want to be one.  So get up off your ass and make it happen.  Fill out an application, make an appointment.  Get off the internet.  Stop bookmarking all the clothes you want to buy when you get skinny and get on the treadmill and GET SKINNY.  Stop watching tv.  Stop thinking oh I love taking the dog for a walk because it makes him so happy. I will take him on a long one this weekend and take him on a quick one now.  He’ll appreciate walks every day more than the walk that you probably won’t even take him on this weekend.  Stop crying every night because life is hard.  It is hard but it’s life.  It’s the only one you have and you ALMOST LOST IT.  Both you and your baby could be dead right now.  Yes, it’s hard that your baby is dead but you are still alive.  Walk outside. Do something.  Make your life a life that your baby would be proud to see you living.  LIVE.”

Even typing it now, I don’t realize the magnitude of it because I’m still so overcome with grief.  I really do need to start appreciating every day I have more.  I almost had no more days.

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2 Responses to “Every day is a gift”

  1. hapahopes May 21, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    I can’t imagine the pain you feel. It’s more than okay to grieve and it’s also okay to ask for help. You sound like you are absolutely aching. I know how hard it is to move forward when you’re paralyzed by pain.

  2. Alissa May 25, 2012 at 10:33 pm #

    I know your pain all too well and wish you could have kept your life and your baby’s. I am just so sorry. But you are so right in this post. Live you life so your child will be proud. Live it for the children you will adopt and most importantly, for you.

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