This time last year

28 May

This time last year, I had a beta of 36 and was praying praying praying that this baby would stick around.

He did but only for 21 weeks and 6 days.

I still question why this happened?  Why was I allowed to get so far? What lesson God is trying to teach me?  Wait for four years to get pregnant, Anna.  Then you only get to have it for 21 weeks and for 1 week you get to suffer enormously before losing him.  What am I supposed to learn from that?

Patience?  I would have though that was covered in the four years of waiting to get pregnant.

Strength?  Sure, I no longer lay on the floor of my bedroom sobbing because I think that I won’t be able to get through another day of work.  But if I hadn’t lost him, I wouldn’t have been doing that to begin with.

I’ve heard so many times that God works in mysterious ways.  There’s a reason for everything.  Having faith in God means having faith in his timing.

I see no reason for this.  I see no reason for God to have called my healthy baby boy to heaven when babies are born suffering every day born with drug addictions.  Why doesn’t he relieve their suffering and call them to heaven?  Instead, my boy would have been born healthy, who would have had a happy life with me was taken.

Every morning, I decide to move on and be strong and be happy but lately it’s been hard to shake these feelings.


One Response to “This time last year”

  1. Erin May 29, 2012 at 8:55 am #

    This time of year will probably always be hard for you – how could it not? I think it will get easier as time goes on, but I don’t think that ache will ever totally cease. Thinking of you!

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