It shouldn’t be this hard

2 Jul

I thought I was due for an adoption update but truthfully there is nothing to say.  We have done nothing.  We chose an agency but we haven’t submitted an application yet.  Nine months ago, I lost my baby and I thought I might already have a new baby by now but I haven’t even moved a step forward with it.

It’s not that I don’t want to do it. I want this more than anything.  It’s just that it shouldn’t be this hard.  I don’t want to fill out application and take classes and be questioned and have a background check and wait to be chosen and then wait to see if the mother will change her mind.  I want to wake up and magically be picked to have a baby, just like normal people wake up and realize their periods are late and they are pregnant.  That will never happen, though. I have to work at it.  I will never get pregnant on my own and even if I did (by some miracle) there is a very high chance that I would lose that baby.

It seems so unfair to me that I have to go through this huge process.  I realize how dumb my line of thought is.  Unfair or not, this is my reality and I’m not going to get a baby any sooner by sitting around complaining about the injustice of it all.  It’s only going to hold me back more.  It just isn’t fair and it shouldn’t be this hard.  It is this hard, though and I’m just going to have to get over it and fill out the application.

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4 Responses to “It shouldn’t be this hard”

  1. Wannabemom July 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm #

    Ugh, I say that all the time! It shouldn’t be this hard. I just want to be normal. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars for my maybe baby. I don’t want to jump through the ridiculous hoops. I just want to have sex with my husband and be the person who gets to bring home a healthy baby 40 weeks later.

    And moving forward means opening yourself to more pain… I totally get it.

  2. brooke July 2, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    It’s totally unfair and I hate it for you. I wish things were different, and frankly I’m glad that you don’t feel like you have to be all Pollyanna about things. Still, I hope that once you sit down and fill out the paperwork that you maybe feel a little lighter.

  3. cw July 3, 2012 at 5:06 am #

    No, it shouldn’t be this hard. It should not be hard for a wonderful vibrant couple to not be able to be parents when they want. Once you pick up the pen and start filling it out though you are one step closer, just an eensy bit closer and that’s a good thing – right?

  4. Lisa @ hapahopes July 7, 2012 at 7:26 pm #

    You know what? It’s absolutely not fair and I think you’re allowed to wallow a bit. But I bet that once the paperwork is done, you’ll feel a little relief. It must be overwhelming right now.

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