Wake me up when September ends

4 Sep

September 27th will be one year since we lost the baby.  In some ways, it feels like it just happened yesterday.  I can still remember driving to the hospital afraid, not really understanding what preeclampsia was, thinking that I could be on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy.  I can remember the disappointment, being told I’d have to stay overnight and could potentially be in the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy.  I can remember the terror, learning that the remainder of my pregnancy would be 48 more hours, at most.

September 12th will be one year since we learned we were having a boy.  I had 12 days to plan a nursery and choose my car seat color and browse on Etsy for cute things.  I had 12 days to talk about boy names and narrow our choices down to three, including the one we ended up using.  I don’t think I can ever use the other two names in the future.

September used to be such a happy month for me . Our wedding anniversary is in September.  The anniversary of the day we met is in September.  Two of my best friends’ birthdays are in September.  My mother’s birthday is in September.  September is both back to school time and the beginning of fall – two of my favorite things.  In August, I was still looking forward to all these things.  But now that September is here, it brings only dread.

Next weekend is my nephew’s first birthday, which I’m making cupcakes for.  I was really excited about this. I love to bake and I love him and I want to play a part in making his first birthday memorable.  I even did a practice run of the cupcakes to make sure that my Elmos, Cookie Monsters, Oscars and Big Birds look great. (Big Bird needs a bit of work but I’m rocking the other guys.) Now, the closer it gets, the more I think that the should have a little cousin at that birthday party. And so there are days when I just want to go to bed and wake up when it’s October.

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5 Responses to “Wake me up when September ends”

  1. loveisblonde September 4, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

    Having just gone through the anniversary month, I can understand the dread/anticipation you’re feeling. I definitely felt relief when the big days passed. Will you do something on your son’s birthday to remember him? Let me know if you want to talk about it at all. I kind of struggled with it but ended up happy with our day to remember him (even if it was a bit unplanned).

  2. Wannabemom September 4, 2012 at 6:03 pm #

    I’m so sorry that all the joy of September has been taken away from you. It just seems like the loss of a child takes so much with it. Wishing you strength through this difficult month.

  3. FCblacksheep September 4, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

    Oh sweetie. Hugs.

  4. amourningmom September 5, 2012 at 7:49 pm #

    Anniversaries are so hard. I miss my sons every day but their birthdays and death days always throw me. I wish no parent had to live in a world without their child/ children. Sending hugs and hope that September is over quickly.

  5. Alissa September 6, 2012 at 12:12 am #

    Our anniversary is coming up next month and I am worried too. I loved October for so many reasons and now, it’s all about our loss. I can’t say anything to help you heal, but let you know you aren’t alone. Keep loving your baby and know that this time will pass. I’m sorry you are having to go through this kind of anniversary at all. None of us should ever have to endure this kind of milestone.

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