It hurts

9 Sep

I attended my nephew’s first birthday party today.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy to get through.  And it wasn’t.

There were lots of little kids and they were all playing together and basically everyone just sat around and watched them play.  They were all so cute and wearing adorable little outfits.  They had cute shoes and hair bows and dresses and they were sweet and cuddly and you just couldn’t help but want to hold them all.  All the while wishing that you had your seven month old baby there.  But he doesn’t exist, at least not on this earth.

The party was a Sesame Street theme which I baked cupcakes and a smash cake for.  It was a theme that I had long ago bookmarked for a child’s birthday party of my own.  I realize it is not the world’s most original theme so it was bound to happen that someone else would use the theme. Still, it was hard to see all the ideas I had bookmarked brought to life.  It killed me to see everyone laughing at how original the ideas were, which would have thrilled me if it was my party but annoyed me since it wasn’t mine.  Google Sesame Street party! This shit is on every blog! It’s not original.

It broke my heart to stand there overhearing all these conversations.  “Nothing on this earth brings you more joy than a grandchild.  Really, there is nothing like that love.”  Wonderful.  Apparently, my husband and I are worthless to my mother-in-law since we’re not the ones that provided a grandchild.  I know that no one meant it that way, but it’s hard to deal with as the only couple at the party this was childless.

What hurts most of all is that no one there even thought about the fact that this might be difficult.  Or the fact that our baby should have been there as well.  It hurts to think that we might be the only ones that still remember.


5 Responses to “It hurts”

  1. mm September 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    I’m so sorry that this party was so painful for you. It really sucks that no one thought of you, your loss, or how you might feel. People are so wrapped up in their happiness that they fail to see your pain, that is not right.

  2. Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse September 10, 2012 at 6:10 am #

    I’m so sorry it feels like nobody remembers … that must surely add to your pain in a way that you don’t need.

  3. chon September 10, 2012 at 6:56 am #

    This is just heart breaking on so many levels. It’s the unintended comments that hurt. You know they don’t mean them like that but it hurts so bad.

    Hugs x

  4. brooke September 10, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    So sorry. I know just how you feel. My in-laws were so insensitive about how things like trips to Disneyland or new pregnancies might make us feel. Even my therapist was shocked at their lack of sensitivity/compassion. Eventually it became so absurd my husband and I were able to laugh at in that black humor kind of way.

    Your nephew is lucky to have you for an aunt. I’m so sorry your baby wasn’t there for the party.

  5. ronagirl9 September 16, 2012 at 11:08 am #

    You are brave to even have gone to the party. I’m sorry it was hard but glad you made it through. My daughter died
    a little over a year ago (SIDS) and I have still not gone to a child’s birthday party. It’s just too hard.

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