Flashbacks

19 Sep

The closer the anniversary gets the more I find myself thinking and thinking and thinking about my time in the hospital.  It’s always there in my head, but it’s been coming closer to the front of my brain lately.  It’s funny the things I find myself remembering now.  They are so different from the memories that consumed my brain in the beginning.

Lately, what I’ve been rehashing is something I’m not sure I ever really articulated to anyone.  Now, I can’t stop thinking about it.  After I was wheeled out of the OR, I woke up and had no clue where I was.  Then I saw the nice resident who had been treating me and I asked her how it went. She said it went well and then I was wheeled out. My throat was sore; I could hardly talk.

I was wheeled to recovery where a nurse came over to check on me and do whatever they do.  There were multiple people getting out of surgery at the time.  I could hear the lady next me who had three nurses caring for.  She had gotten out of knee surgery and she constantly had someone in there talking to her.  Meanwhile, I was left there all by myself, sobbing and scared.  The nurse finally came back to check on me and I was freezing cold and was barely able to communicate that because my throat felt so sore.  So they covered me with more blankets and left me again.  Meanwhile, I could still hear the lady next to me who was feeling well enough to ask if she could have a bite to eat being smothered with attention.  I was sobbing, I was cold, I was scared and I had just lost my baby.  I was alone and no one cared and the only thing I was left to think is that the reason I was being ignored is because of the fact that I had a D&E at almost 22 weeks and the nurse thought that this was something I was doing because I wanted to and not because I had to.  It was a horrible way to come out of losing your baby. And maybe my lack of attention had nothing to do with judgement.  But when someone loses a baby – whether they chose it or not – it’s never easy and the least they could have done was to consider that and given me the same level of care as the knee lady asking for Jello ten minutes after her surgery.

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2 Responses to “Flashbacks”

  1. Wannabemom September 19, 2012 at 10:11 pm #

    Flashbacks are the worst. Hit you when you least expect it and it’s like you are right back there. I’m sorry you were alone and neglected.

  2. Brooke September 19, 2012 at 10:53 pm #

    I’m so sorry. For all of it. Anniversaries are really hard, as it’s impossible not to think back on the trauma of that day.

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