I survived

28 Sep

I made it.  I’m back from my trip and I survived.  It was  hard but I did it.  There were many tears but all in the privacy of my hotel room so I remained professional when necessary.

How many hard days are still ahead?  In the past year, I made it through my first day back at work, my expected due date, two baptisms, a child’s birthday party, and the anniversary of his death.   So now what ?  Does it end now?  Am I over the worst of it?  Or does it go on?  Will February 1st hurt just as much next year?

I keep waiting for this feeling that it’s okay.  I keep expecting to turn a corner.  I imagine that one day September 27th and February 1st won’t affect me. I am deluding myself.  It will always affect me.  I won’t ever forget.  I imagine it will get easier.  There was a time when I had to remind myself that I was no longer pregnant and force myself to shower every few days.  There was a time when I had to force myself to get out of bed and go to work  every day.  There was a time when I didn’t leave the house unless I absolutely had to.  All these things passed.  I now can go to work and see friends and shower (most of the time) and under normal circumstances travel for work without freaking out and crying in my hotel room.  So it stands to reason that there will be a time that I will be sad on September 27th but will not be crying uncontrollably in a hotel room.

Before I got pregnant, my husband used to tell me that if we ever lost a baby, he was scared of what would happen to me.  He thought I wouldn’t be able to take it after seeing how upset I got every month we got a negative.  And yet, somehow I have survived.  We both have.  It hasn’t been easy.  In fact, it’s been very hard.  But I’m still here.

I can’t guarantee that it’s ever going to be easy.  Just that I’ll survive.

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2 Responses to “I survived”

  1. Wannabemom September 29, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

    It’s amazing what we can survive. Some days, I feel that’s all I’m doing… and sometimes barely. Wouldn’t it be nice to stop surviving and start living?

    Sigh.

    Glad you made it through.

  2. Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse September 30, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

    I’m so sorry that these two days in particular have to be so difficult for you … it’s not right, and it’s not fair, but as hard as it is (and always will be), you will make it through. You’ll survive. Thinking of you as this terribly difficult month draws to a close.

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