Educational Course I

30 Sep

Last night, I had a dream that everyone around me was doing IVF.  People were in various stages of the process and they were all telling me about it.  I was nodding along, understanding in theory what they are going through but not really understanding because the fertility treatment part of my life is behind me.  I think this is a result of two things.

The first is my support group.  Many of the people in the infertility support group I attend are going through IVF right now or are already pregnant.   This is great for them and I’m so supportive of their journey.  I know how much they hope this will work and I know how much they are struggling.  It’s also difficult.  One of the couples in the group suffers from male factor infertility and the woman keeps saying how there is nothing wrong with her so she anticipates this will work.  It drives me crazy.  There was “nothing wrong with me” and it took 8 IUIs for me to get pregnant and then I lost the baby.  Yet, she is so confident that this will work.  How do you get so confident?

The second is that I feel that most of the people I know that suffered a loss are in a better place than me now.  In both the blog world and in my real world, those that have lost either have a baby or are pregnant now.  I realize that this is not 100% true.  It’s just how I feel and how my vision is skewed.  And I do realize that even after a loss, (as my therapist says) you don’t get the joy of a blissful pregnancy.  For all the joy you feel, there is still fear and anxiety.  I’m not saying that everyone’s life is perfect.  I’m just saying I feel like people are moving forward and their forward movement is more concrete than mine.

We are moving forward, too.  But it feels very different to me than a pregnancy.  We took our third step in the adoption process.  We attended what is very vaguely named Educational Course I at our agency.  A major portion of the morning session covered the adoption laws in all the states in which the agency is licensed.  There were so many questions about what the birth father’s rights were and how long the birth parents have to change their mind in the various states.

Then we covered what is gained and lost by the birth parents, adoptive parents and child in an adoption.  We also watched an episode of 16 and Pregnant because apparently Catelynn and Tyler’s experience with adoption was pretty realistic and we talked about how we felt watching it and what we could expect at the hospital with the birth parents.  We talked about positive and negative adoption language (for example, not using the terms “give up for adoption” or “real mother” which are negative).  There were other things covered, but I think those were the high points.  Now our home study begins.  Part of the home study includes three sessions: two group sessions at the agency and one home session with our social worker.

So, yes, we are moving forward.  But our moving forward is very different.  There is no growing belly.  And there is no due date.  Instead, we hope that in three months, our home study and profile books are completed.  And then we wait.  We wait for days or weeks or months or even years.  So even though we are moving forward, it feels like standing still.  It feels passive.  There are no doctor’s appointments or shots or ultrasounds.  There is a mountain of paperwork and meetings and then, nothing but time.

Logically, I know that this is just different.  It’s not better or worse.  It’s just different.  It feels different.  It feels passive and it feels like I’m standing still but it’s really just a different kind of movement.  I need to remind myself that just because I’m not growing a belly doesn’t mean that I’m not getting closer to bringing home a baby.  It’s just different.  Maybe they should have put that in Educational Course I.

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