Better… I think

9 Oct

I am realizing that I feel better.  I finally hit the milestone that made things seem different.  I think the difference is that when I think back to a year ago, I am better now than I was last year.

After the loss, I was stuck in the “what should be” frame of mind.  I should still be pregnant and I’m not.  My next step was to constantly compare how I felt to how I was doing a year ago.  In February, March and April of 2011, I was still pursuing fertility treatment. I was still hopeful that I might get pregnant and have a baby.  Whereas in February, March and April of 2012, all my hope was lost.  It was over.  I had a pregnancy and lost it and did not have hopes for another one.

In May through September of 2011, I was pregnant.  May through September of 2012 felt impossible at times.  How could this year compare to the last?  Last year I was making plans and reading books and deciding on furniture and strollers and car seats.  This year I was childless and felt alone.

But now it is October.  And October 2011 was my low.  I did not want to do anything except cry.  I didn’t shower. I didn’t leave the house unless I was forced to.  I researched pre-eclampsia, memorials and adoption. I read baby loss blogs and begged a God I wasn’t sure I believed in anymore for a way out of the sadness. I dreaded returning to work.  I checked my blood pressure three times a day and recorded it for my doctor. I called when it was high. I called when it was low. I waited for it to return to normal.  I waited for my life to return to normal.

October 2012 is different.  We are working on our home study. I’m in a job I actually like.  I am looking forward to the future.  It is so different from the depression and exhaustion and desperation that surrounded October 2011.  When you hit rock bottom, you can only go up.

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6 Responses to “Better… I think”

  1. Erin October 12, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    Glad things are looking up, hope the adoption process is moving along smoothly!

    • Anna October 14, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      Thanks! The adoption process is moving along – I have been meaning to post about it!

  2. Alissa October 12, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

    I hear you. I was right there with you. October through January was torture. I didn’t care about anything. Now, I am stronger. I still cry and miss my babies, but I know I can move forward. I know I can choose to be happy. Before, I didn’t.
    I am proud of you and can’t wait to hear what happens next.

    • Anna October 14, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      I’m so glad that you are feeling the same way!

  3. Jackie October 16, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    So glad to read this!

    It’s a couple days from the two year anniversary of my first miscarriage, and thinking back to how low I felt then, and then also how low I felt last year when I still didn’t have a baby, is just insane.

    • Anna October 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

      I have to believe that every year will get easier. Otherwise, what’s the point, right?

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