14 Oct

I always thought there was some sort of order in life.  I guess it was easy to think that given the way I had lived my life.  I graduated high school, went to college, got a job, moved out of my parent’s house, met a guy, got engaged, moved in with him, married him and bought a house.  It all went how it was supposed to go.

There’s that phrase again: “how it was supposed to go.”  It’s been the never-ending thought in my end for the past five years.  “This is not how it was supposed to be.”

When we started trying to start a family, I thought there would be an order to it all.  I thought it would be like taking a number at the deli counter.   We started trying so we’d be the next ones to have a baby.  Sure, maybe someone would get pregnant before us but it would have just been a mix up with the numbers.  And once someone at the deli counter realized their mistake, we’d be next again.

I had no idea that it would be a lottery.  I had no idea that I would pick a number and that people who showed up years after me would get their baby first.  I had no idea that people would come back for a second and third number after me and still get their numbers called before mine.

I went to a baby shower yesterday and the person kept talking about their long road to this.  Yes, she had a long road and many losses and it was difficult for her.  And I am so happy for her that she finally is pregnant and having a baby.  But in my head, I thought if you think two years is a long road, try being on it for five.   I don’t think I deserve it more than her.  I just think that standing at a deli counter for five years is torture.


10 Responses to “Order”

  1. Wannabemom October 14, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    You know, there’s this concept of “pain Olympics” and people don’t like this idea of comparing and one-uping. But 5 years is different from 2 years. I’m a much more unhappy and bitter person after 4 years, one lost daughter and on my second IVF cycle than I was 2 years ago after the failure of my 4th IUI. I still had hope, options and naivety on my side back then! I hope the damn deli counter calls both our numbers soon.

    • Anna October 14, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

      Agreed. I definitely think there are people who are one-uppers. Those that definitely think they’re more deserving or that other people shouldn’t be as upset as them. I don’t feel that way really. I know that she went through many more losses than I did and had to go through IVF which I didn’t have to do. So she has definitely gone through awful things in her 2 year journey that I did not in my 5 year one. I guess it’s just hard not to be jealous of people. Despite being so happy for her, I’m miserable for myself and so wish I was having a baby shower too. And I’m far more miserable now than I was when I was 2 years into trying.

  2. chon October 15, 2012 at 10:18 pm #

    One thing I’ve learned is there is no such thing as order. I have definitely learned that it isn’t fair. And it really is not fair. This shit will never be. A distant memory but it will become the past I promise you.

    Now update me on adoption procedures xxxxx

    • Anna October 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

      Yes, ma’am. It will be my next post. I promise!

  3. Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse October 16, 2012 at 3:27 am #

    That is such a perfect, terrible analogy – it really is a lottery, without any rational order. I hope your number is called very soon xx

    • Anna October 16, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

      Thank you! Hope you are well!

  4. FCblacksheep October 17, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

    Wow. Just wow. Perfectly expressed.

    p.s. I mean the deli line freaking sucks. I feeling like stabbing someone in the eye when I’m there more than 10 minutes.

    • Anna October 17, 2012 at 9:14 pm #

      The deli line does suck. And I’ve noticed it’s always crawling with fertiles and their babies too. At least sometimes you get a free slice of cheese out of the deal.

  5. Kristina February 21, 2013 at 10:18 pm #

    I’ve always wanted to find someone who is going through the same thing as me, month after month, year after year and still no child to call my own. My infertility started 22 years ago with my first husband that informed me after the honeymoon that he didn’t want children because the world was over populated. Needless to say I didn’t know the man I married very well even though we had gone to premarrital counciling and all that. The marriage only lasted 9 1/2 years when I left. I dated for 5 years until I met my now husband who wanted more children (he has three grown daughters) but had had a vasectomy 19 years earlier. After our first anniversary he had the reversal surgery done but his body now produces sperm antibodies. We’ve been through it ALL these last 6 years ttc and this year I turned 45. However I have not given up hope. I praise friends who announce their pregnancies and cry with those who loose theirs. I cling to my God and accept this roller coaster he has me on. Knowing he is God and I am not and that he will see me through to the end.

    I wish you love and best of luck.
    Sisters in infertility,

    • Anna February 23, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

      Wow, that’s a lot you’ve been though. I admire your strength and faith through it all. Best of luck to you and thanks for your comment.

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