Spiritual Walk to Remember

20 Oct

Belle from Scrambled Eggs suggested a Spiritual Walk to Remember for this morning as a way to find peace after losing our babies.  I took a short walk with my dog this morning for my walk to remember.  I thought about my baby and wished he was here.  Especially as another pregnancy announcement came up very recently that made me weak with jealousy.  I’ve been lapped. By someone who didn’t even know her husband when I started trying for a baby.  In less than the time it has taken me for me to bring home a baby, she met someone, dated him, got engaged, got married and got pregnant – twice.

So in addition to remembering my baby this morning, I mourned the fact that I will never be pregnant again.  My belly will never grow.  Those around me will feel life inside of them and I will fill out forms instead.  As I walked with my dog, he was so curious about everything.  It was such a perfect morning.  The air was crisp and cool and the leaves were beautiful.  Our neighborhood was quiet and peaceful.  And yet again it broke my heart to know that my puppy very nearly had a little buddy.  There should be baby here .  He should have a baby to inspect.  One that would soon be crawling and then walking after him.  We should have been taking that walk with a stroller.  Instead I have a pile of forms and jealousy in my heart that I just can’t let go.

I miss him.  I miss the life that he should have had.  I miss the life that I should have had with him.  I miss him.  And I hope that every day brings me a little closer to peace.

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10 Responses to “Spiritual Walk to Remember”

  1. Wannabemom October 20, 2012 at 10:40 pm #

    The “shoulds” suck and so do the “lappers”. None of this is fair. xo

  2. chon October 21, 2012 at 6:08 am #

    Hugs. It’s fucking unfair. My heart breaks every single time for you.

  3. Detour October 21, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    Hugs, Anna. It is completely unfair and your son should have been on your walk with you. I hate what you’d had to go through. Remembering your baby with you.

    • Anna October 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

      Thank you.

  4. Alissa October 21, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    I know this feeling. I wish you didn’t have to go through this friend. I am proud of you however for taking this walk for your baby and for yourself. You will be a good mommy and I know as much as this journey through adoption can suck, you will find your way to the other side.

    • Anna October 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

      I hope so. I feel like we are making progress however slowly we are going.

  5. Katie Clooney October 21, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    Just found your blog through Preppy Pink Crocodile. What a brave girl you are. I am praying for you, sweet girl.

    • Anna October 23, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

      Thank you for the prayers!

  6. Amber October 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

    I am so sorry.

    • Anna October 24, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

      Thank you… I appreciate that.

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