12 Dec

I’ve been having more panic attacks lately.  Every night this week, in fact.  I’m not sure what’s triggering them because it’s not like there is anything particularly stressful going on lately. I mean, nothing additional.  It’s the same old stuff: work, the adoption and the holidays.  It’s the same stuff that was going on last week and I was making it through that week without freaking out about the world ending.

I feel like I’m frozen by these panic attacks.  I can’t do anything because I feel like everything is the wrong decision.  Which is stupid.  There is no wrong decision.  Doing something would be preferable to sitting on my couch crying and worrying that I’m never going to be a mom or whether I’m going to get fired or that everyone is avoiding me because they are all finally realizing that I’m a terrible friend and not worth their time or any of the other things that I have no reason to believe will happen.  And yet the prospect of them keeps running around in my head on a loop.

i just feel like I can’t do it anymore.  I don’t know what “it” is.  Live my life?  Function as a normal human being?  I just wish I didn’t have to deal with responsibility and I wish I didn’t second guess everything I do and every conversation I have.  These thoughts just loop around in my head over and over again making me feel like a failure and an idiot when there is no logical reason to believe that is the case.

I just want to hide under the covers and not come out until I’m capable of being normal.


10 Responses to “Panic”

  1. Mo December 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    Oh hon, I know exactly what you’re going through. Been there – big time. It’s completely normal after everything you’ve been through.
    I have a thought – there’s no shame in getting a little help through this. Are you on anti-depressants right now? I take an SNRI called Cym.balta which basically quiets those cyclical thoughts and helps with the depression symptoms. I also have a stash of for when the anxiety gets particularly high, though with the SNRI I barely need to use it. You’re still grieving, and being in limbo isn’t helping things. There’s no shame in getting a little pharmaceutical help to get you over this hump.
    Email me if you want to talk it out.
    Huge hugs!

    • Anna December 12, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

      I was on them for a year after we lost the baby. When we first found out that we were going to need to try fertility treatment, I freaked and was on Celexa and stopped that when we started IUIs. After the loss, I went right back on and took Ativan as needed for panic attacks. Then a few months ago, I weaned off. I felt like the meds were dulling my brain and I wasn’t feeling 100% on them. Right after I went off, I felt great. I had so much energy and I was feeling really positive and good but now it’s gotten bad again. Maybe it’s the holidays that are making it so difficult? Not sure what the cause is. But I’m wondering if it might be a good idea to go back on and possibly try something new. The Celexa was a miracle drug the first time around but seemed to be less miraculous the second time around. Thanks for the support! xo

  2. FCblacksheep December 12, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

    OK, I know there’s a lot of big stuff going on and that my words probably won’t solve your problem, but I do have a hard time getting out of my head sometimes (I know it’s not the same) and there’s something I’ve tried that does work, basically I rewrite the way I talk to myself internally. So, if I do something dumb and my first instinct is to think in my head “you’re so dumb,” I stop myself and say something positive instead like “you did a good job.” I do this every time I am about to put myself down. OK, it sounds super lame but when I try hard, it does work. It’s amazing how changing our internal speak can have such a profound effect on our overall attitude. Of course, some days it’s tough to keep it up, but maybe you can try when things are really tough. You might notice a difference.

    Regardless, I’m thinking of you and hoping for better things ahead.

    • Anna December 12, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

      I have tried that too. The thing is that my brain has a way of finding examples that tell me I’m wrong when I tell myself good things. Like for example, it reminds me of how someone was acting a little odd today when they left (they were really in a rush and that was probably it) and so all I can think is that they were acting weird because they hate me. And that’s insane. I know it is. But my brain just keeps saying, “Is it insane? Or is it just true? Look at how weird they were acting.” It’s crazy, I know!

      • FCblacksheep December 13, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

        Well anyone who would hate you deserves a swift kick to the shins, but that’s neither here nor there. One more piece of unsolicited advice, what about touch points? My mother (now she’s crazy) uses it as a coping mechanism for panic attacks. When she feels herself being overtaken by one or overcome my negative thoughts, she’s supposed to do something like the tap floor with her foot or touch something nearby to bring her back to reality. She says it works. OK, that’s enough of my unqualified opinions. I could call you every morning and tell you you’re awesome. 🙂

        • Anna December 13, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

          I do something similar. Like sometimes I say something out loud and that snaps me out of it at least for the time being. Like saying something out loud derails the crazy train. Of course sometimes I look like an idiot because I’ll be sitting there all quiet and then all of a sudden I’ll say “stop” or something and people are like stop what??

          You don’t have to call. A text would suffice. 😉

  3. Robin December 13, 2012 at 11:40 am #

    I also know the feeling and will offer some advice, but considering I’m still struggling with panic attacks – I’m not sure how helpful it will be. First – xanax is so far the ONLY thing that actually calms my heart rate and can get me to stop freaking out. But, I am off of it now as well and only take in an emergency situation. I’m trying not to take it because I know I can’t take it if I ever get pregnant again.

    Second – have you tried yoga or meditation? I don’t think its AS helpful as taking a drug, but actually having some breathing exercises to concentrate on can help a bit.

    I hate that feeling. I’m so sorry that you’re having these. And I’m with you. I want to move somewhere where no one has babies and I never have to see another pregnant person or newborn again. I’ll let you know if I find that place.

    • Anna December 13, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

      I used to do yoga and haven’t in years but I think that any exercise at all would do me a lot of good. If only I could find the motivation to do it!

  4. Erin W December 13, 2012 at 11:45 am #

    The feeling is depression, and it could be triggered by a lot of things. It could be strictly chemical, and you need a pharmaceutical boost. It could be seasonal, and you need to sit under a heat lamp. It could be continued grief and frustration, in which case I totally prescribe staying in bed. Take a day. Cuddle up with the dog and watch a movie. Something in black and white. ‘Cause those feelings are like a hangover–nothing cures it but time. I don’t know how to say that and not have it sound hollow, but I’ve seen it in my own life–I spent a year, two years reeling from events that knocked me back, and then just slowly climbed back to an emotionally strong place. With many days spent in bed in between.

    • Anna December 13, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

      Stay in bed with the dog and watch a movie sounds like a great idea to me!

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