Another year gone

31 Dec

Where does the time go?  I can’t believe that 2012 is coming to an end.  It feels like just yesterday, I was at my friend’s house in jeans and a black and gray striped sweater and glitter nail polish ringing in 2012.  I remember it so clearly that it could have been yesterday and yet somehow there is a year in between.

This year flew by.  There were many changes and many things that stayed the same. In a way, I feel like I’m still in the same place I was in 2011 but I also feel like a completely different person. Someone in my infertility support group is very hopeful that 2013 is our year.  One of the women in the group is due in late January and then she assumes that the rest of us will just follow.  I will get a match, she will get pregnant, etc.  I have long ago learned that it doesn’t work that way.  Things just don’t fall into place like that and you certainly can’t bank on it.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, still attending the group.  I know that technically, I belong.  I am infertile.  But I’ve already decided on adoption.  We are no longer in treatment and we will never be able to have an “oops” baby that some infertiles (and it seems like all fertiles) are lucky enough to have.  I feel like sometimes these women come in with so much hope and then I tell my story and they learn that these treatments don’t always work and when they do work, that doesn’t mean your journey is over.  The coordinator says it’s important for me to be there because people need to realize that adoption is always an option but I feel like this is not what these new women want to hear.  They do not want to hear my story of IUIs gone wrong and the pregnancy that ended for a freak reason.  They want to hear about the IVFs that succeed and that it all turns out okay in the end.  I think that match or not, some time in 2013 will likely be the end of my attendance at this support group. I will miss it, though.

Another change for 2013: I’ve decided I’m going back on antidepressants.  I stopped in early September.  I had a new job, I felt like I was getting my life more organized, we were very actively pursuing the adoption paperwork that needed to be done at the time.  I felt good. I didn’t need them.  Now, I’m realizing that I probably only felt good because of them.  With the end of September came the anniversary of our baby’s death and that just pushed me down a hill back into sadness and difficulty coping.  Enough is enough, I want to be back to feeling normal and good and motivated again.  I am not ready for an un-medicated life.

I just said in my last post that I don’t do resolutions because I never keep them.  Still, when I think about 2013, only one thought springs to my mine.  It’s just one word.  Better.  It’s my only thought when I think of 2013.  It’s almost like a prayer that I can’t articulate.  I just keep saying better over and over again to myself.  So 2013: May it be better for all of you.

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6 Responses to “Another year gone”

  1. Alicia December 31, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

    When I was going through treatments, I had a hard time with people like us… Those who didn’t have a happy treatment ending and who were pursuing adoption. But I agree that it’s important you’re there to advocate for adoption as an option to building a family… You will be a light at the end of the tunnel for some of the women in your group.

    Kudos on taking steps to feel better – this is absolutely something that will serve you well as you wait for your match and prepare for baby’s arrival. Happy new year!

    • Anna January 1, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

      That is what the group moderator says. She is also a therapist that my husband and I see together because she has a lot of experience with infertility. She says it’s good to have people in the group that are pursuing all sorts of options to resolve their infertility because it’s good to get the experience of others.

    • Feit Can Write January 2, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

      Agreed. We left several fertility options on the table to pursue adoption, and that has proven to be one of the best choices we ever made

      I’m typing this with a picture of my beautiful adopted daughter, wearing a way-too-big cowboy hat, staring back at me – and I know in my heart of hearts that any child my wife and I could have conceived (using whatever fertility methods it would have taken) could not be as smart, funny, beautiful, spunky, sweet, loving, sassy, and healthy as our two adopted children.

      I believe that you will come to feel this too – hopefully in 2013, but definitely some day – and that’s why I’d encourage you to continue attending your infertility group.

      • Anna January 2, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

        I know. I think once I’m on the other side of all this, it will make a little more sense. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

  2. Brooke December 31, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    Better for you too.

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